Changing My Prayers Changed My Motherhood

Years ago, my son was struggling in nursery at church. He would scream and cry almost the whole time. Both my husband and I were serving in callings that didn’t allow for us to take him out. I was so confused on how to best help him. So many people told me different things to do, but everything seemed to backfire. Every day I prayed, “Please help my boy in nursery. Please help him to stop crying and to feel more comfortable.” I prayed and prayed, but my son continued to struggle.

Poem for Mothers: The Water is Rising

The Water is Rising

Kisses, giggles, muddy toes

Connection of hearts and spirit

The water is rising, my loves

Let us drink it all in together

Pain, anxiety, endless hours

Feeling strained in every direction

The water is rising, I fear

I’m struggling to stay afloat

Capable, enabled, peacefully secure

Rain brings about my flower

The water is rising, I sing

Because of it I am stronger

Sacrifice, fulfillment, divine purpose

My role is so clear to me

The water is rising, I dive in

The immersion transforms my soul

Chaos, love, real happiness

We are such a beautiful mess

The water is rising, I pause

I need to sip, and savor

Growth, change, tremendous development

They aren’t so little anymore

The water is rising, I groan

Their time with me is passing

Faith, joy, humble tears

Oh Lord, I am most grateful

The water is rising, for me

Yes, my cup is spilling over

Cuddles, games, roasting s’mores

Little arms squeezed ‘round my neck

The water is rising, I embrace

Divinity surrounds these moments

Marriage, family, eternal blessings

His intentional plan is perfect

The water is rising, I ponder

It will ever lead me to Him

----by Erica Mears

We Need Each Other

The day after my 29^th birthday, I went to run down the stairs, but I lost my footing on the second stair—causing me to slip backwards. Instinctively, I reached my hands out for anything to grab on to and catch myself, but there was nothing but air. Before I knew it, it felt like someone swung a bat at the base of my skull. I blacked out for a second, and thought I was going to throw up. A consuming white noise rung in my head for several minutes. I laid there and thought, did that really just happen?  My head, neck, spine, and tailbone were throbbing with pain, and to make matters worse, my husband was out of town on a business trip.

But life must go on, right? I still had to be a mom and meet the demands of my day. In my mind, I had no other choice but to try to ignore the pain and continue on as normally as I could. I took my daughter to gymnastics, with her three siblings in tow. I can do hard things!  I’ll be fine. I tried to be mentally tough, even though with each passing minute I felt weaker and weaker. As the day continued, I was struggling more than I knew how to respond to. My head was spinning and my brain was in a fog.

Am I an Intentional Mother?

A few weeks ago, I watched the broadcast announcing the new First Presidency for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I listened to President Russell M. Nelson speak, and he said something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. He used the phrase “righteous, intentional parenting." When he said this, I felt a direct prompting that the word intentional matters beyond understanding—specifically for mothers. I knew I needed to study and ponder what it meant.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of intentional is, “done on purpose; deliberate.” With this definition in mind, I’ve asked myself some soul-searching questions. Am I deliberate in the choices I make each day as a mom? Are my actions as a mother done with purpose? Am I a righteous, intentional mother?

If I’m being honest, my answer to all of these questions is sometimes I am, but sometimes I am not. There are times when I am passive or distracted rather than intentional. There are times when I lose sight of my main purpose in motherhood. I’m guessing many fellow mommas feel the same way! There are days that feel numb and never-ending, we seem to get trapped in time-wasting activities, and our motto is to merely survive each day. Sadly, this is exactly what Satan wants for us. 

Boyd. K Packer warns,

Your Light Matters

I remember driving on the interstate—going about 80 mph. Suddenly, and without any warning, I saw a large piece of furniture flip out of the back of a pickup truck. Within a matter of seconds, the furniture crashed right in front of my car. I hastily swerved to the left (luckily into the shoulder of the road), and avoided the danger. Once I swerved back onto the road, I looked into my rearview mirror to see the fate of the car behind me. To my relief, the driver behind me followed my exact path and avoided a collision. And just like that, I watched a domino effect take place—with car after car after car. Each driver knew to serve left because of the example of the car ahead of him/her.

I guarantee that each one of us has “been that driver,” setting an example for a person in need, or “that follower,” because of the positive example of another. Sometimes we forget that there are oh so many people in darkness who are in need of light, and they look to you and me to find that light. It could be a child, a neighbor, a spouse, a friend, a stranger—anyone, but no matter who it is, our light can make all the difference—if we choose to let it shine.

Joseph B. Wirthlin reminds us why our light matters,

Go as Fast as You Should

Last Sunday morning, my son said something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. We were hurrying to get ready for church, and as usual, running behind schedule. At last, we made it out the door and into the van. My son looked at the time and exclaimed, “Mom! Make sure you go as fast as you should!!!”

A smile spread across my face. Of course he said “should” instead of “can.” He cares so much about being obedient, that he knew I’d be breaking the law if I went, as the saying goes, “as fast as I can.” He knew I needed to focus on going as fast as I SHOULD in order to lawfully make it to church on time. 😊

Yes, this is a cute little story that makes me laugh, but what he said has had a significant impact on my heart and mind. I’ve now pondered a great deal about how important it is to live as I SHOULD.

I’m pretty good at doing the things I MUST do each day (paying the bills, running the house, feeding the kids, meeting deadlines, etc). But after the “must-dos” are done, my focus isn’t always centered on the “should-dos.” I know that how I spend my time doesn’t always reflect the things that matter most in my life. Sometimes I forget to “go as fast” as I should, and instead, I “go as fast” as I want to or can.

My guess is that many of you can relate to how I feel! We know that there are things we should be focused on, but at times we get distracted. Life gets busy or hard, and suddenly we lose sight of the most important things. We forget to do the things we really should be doing.

So, why does it matter? Why do mothers need to care about how they spend their time and live their lives?

Ezra Taft Benson shares why,

He Sees You

I see you.

I see in the grocery store, with three little ones in tow. The baby is crying, yet somehow you keep your cool. You are doing your best to get the groceries you need for the next two weeks of meals. It is obvious your children feel loved and secure.

I see you at the park, pushing your child in the swing. You’re sometimes in sweats and sometimes dressed up, but you are there. You smile as your child giggles and squeals with each push. And in that moment, all the work and effort of getting to the park was worth it.

I see you out on stroller walks, sometimes walking up and down the street several times. You take the time to point out the bugs and flowers to your toddler. You breathe in the fresh air, and take a moment to feel the sunshine on your face. It’s likely been a few days since you were able to make it out, and you are sure to relish the freedom of being outside.

I see you in the airport, exhausted and depleted. Yet, you persevere and portray a strength only mothers are capable of. You rock your restless child in your arms until your arms are numb, but you do it with love and compassion.

I see you at Mcdonald’s, snapping pictures and carrying on child-like conversations. You talk about the important things and the silly things. The purpose of your visit isn’t for you but for them. Your kids look to you for comfort and go back to playing.

I see you in the middle of the night, nursing a baby or comforting a sick child. Your hair is a mess, but you don’t care. You would give up anything for your child, including countless nights of sleep.

I see you at church, and know how much effort went into getting your family there. Bathing the kids, getting them fed and ready, changing diapers, doing their hair, packing the snacks, and barely making it there on time. And once you are there, oftentimes you are out in the hall with a child. Yet, you still attend church week after week, because you know it matters.

But, I’m not the only one who sees you. And I’m not the only one who sees me.

Our Father in Heaven sees us.  Every second of sacrifice we give, He sees. He sees us on a scale far more compassionate, loving, and merciful than any of us can comprehend. He loves us more than we could ever love ourselves. He sees us through the eyes of a parent, for he truly is our Father.

I love these beautiful truths shared by Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

A Primary Song for Mothers

I've had a primary song stuck in my head all day, so I decided to look up the lyrics. I’m so grateful I did. For the first time, I saw the song through the lens of a mother rather than the lens of a child. I invite all my fellow mom’s out there to read these lyrics and apply them to YOU.

Family Home Evening Ideas for Young Children

For a recent Relief Society activity, I was asked to give a presentation about family home evening ideas for young children. With that presentation in mind, I created this blog post. 😊

Here are 5 basic steps I follow for family home evening:

It is Okay to Feel Weak

I’m guessing I am not the only mom who has ever felt weak—weak beyond description. After I had my first baby, I’ll never forget the overwhelming amount of weakness I felt. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why do I feel so incapable? Why am I having such a hard time with this? For years my dream was to be a mom, and I was certain of how beautiful and wonderful it would be. However, “weakness,” was never a part of that dream.

Even now (with 8 years of motherhood under my belt), I have many moments when I feel weak. In fact, it is a very familiar feeling! But guess what I have discovered? IT IS OKAY TO FEEL WEAK. It is okay to feel like I can’t keep up. It is okay to feel exhausted. It is okay to feel stretched thin. Why is it okay? Because it turns me to my Lord, my God. It shows me that I cannot do it alone. It brings me to my knees in prayer. Weakness reminds me just how much I need God’s strength in my life.

So many moments of my motherhood have consisted of tearful pleas for help from Heaven above. I’m sure many of you could say the same. And if we take a moment, to think back on those moments, we remember how desperate and weak we felt. Yet at the same time, we humbly remember how the Lord enabled us, through His loving grace, to be strengthened in our weakness. The weakness itself might not have been removed, but we felt a strength beyond our own.

In Jacob 4:7, Jacob shares an important truth about weakness—a truth that has special significance for mothers. He wrote, 

Spiritual Death Vs. Spiritual Life: What Every Mom Needs to Know

The world at large is very aware of what physical death looks like. We are also familiar with what causes physical death. For example, we know that without food and water, we will eventually die. Food and water are necessary for survival. In order to quench hunger or thirst, we must eat or drink. It is obvious and simple.

What is NOT so obvious to the world at large is spiritual death and its devastation surrounding us. In fact, 1 Timothy 5:6 teaches that some are “dead” while they live. Just as our physical bodies need proper nutrition, our spirits are in desperate need as well. Yet so, so many of us are unknowingly starving our spirits—continually. Spiritual death is worse than physical death, but cunningly Satan tricks our society into thinking otherwise. He says if we feel good and look good physically, then we are “alive” and well (2 Nephi 28:21).

As mothers, we know we can’t skip a day without food and water, or we wouldn’t be able to function. We wouldn’t be able to nurse, have a healthy pregnancy, or meet the needs of our children, because we would be so depleted and weak. Do we realize the same goes for our spirits? In order to properly function and serve in our families, we MUST nourish and feed our spirits, every day.

It is vital that we turn to the correct source for spiritual nourishment. Oftentimes, when we feel spiritual suffering, we turn to the wrong source to fill the void. Isn’t it interesting how Satan deceives us to act on PHYSICAL appetites to meet our SPIRITUAL needs? When our spirits are hurting, we might turn to food, entertainment, spending money, dangerous addictive behaviors, drug and alcohol abuse, physical pleasure, mind-numbing activities, and so on. These physical appetites can never fill a spiritual void, and instead, they make the void worse. It is neccessary that we turn to SPIRITUAL sources to meet our spiritual needs. Thankfully, Heavenly Father has given us plenty of simple ways we can find such nourishment.

Dallin H. Oaks teaches how we can feed and nourish our spirits,

A Small Tweak that Makes a Huge Difference, Especially for Mothers and Wives

If you are anything like me, as soon as you hear the word “service,” you start to feel like you aren’t doing enough. And almost simultaneously you think of all the reasons why you aren’t able to serve more. I know it’s a sensitive subject for many of us. It is my prayer that this article will create an excitement and desire to serve, rather than any feelings of guilt or despair. I hope it will leave us feeling with the thought, “I can!” instead of, “I can’t.” As mothers and wives, we can find more happiness in the service we give—just by tweaking our hearts.

Tweaking our hearts? Allow me to explain. Motherhood requires so much sacrifice and selflessness—that is a given. Whether we feel like changing a diaper or not, it has to be done. We serve day and night. But sadly, if we only go through the motions of service, we set ourselves up to feel frustrated and bitter—even in the very act of service we render. If Satan can get us to remove our hearts from the service we give, he knows it will rob us of joy that could be ours. He tricks us to serve with our hearts turned inward instead of turned outward.

What if Christ irritably mumbled under his breath while on the cross? What if He still died for us, but His heart was far removed? HIS experience would have cankered His soul. YOU and I would have still enjoyed the blessings of His sacrifice for us, but HE wouldn’t have felt the same (even though He went through the motions). Our children and spouses will be blessed through our daily sacrifices and service, even if our hearts are removed. But WE, the daily givers, will miss out on SO much. Just by turning our hearts outward, a horrible day can be turned into a blessed day; a sour moment can be turned into a sweet one. Going through the motions isn’t enough—our hearts need to be involved. The scriptures teach that we must have clean hands AND a pure heart (Psalms 24:4). 

To be honest, the content in this article was not my idea. For quite awhile I haven’t known what to write about, but that all changed last week. I was cooking dinner and the Holy Ghost enlightened my mind with very specific thoughts. I knew I needed to record the insights immediately. As I recorded, I gained a new understanding that resonated in my soul. I’ve always known the importance of focusing on others instead of myself, but I never realized how much it applied to motherhood and wifehood. The idea of serving with my heart turned outward—as a mother and wife—stirred in my heart. I knew I needed to work on it. In fact, I felt excited and hopeful to apply what I learned. Oh how grateful and humbled I am with the results. Just yesterday, I felt more joy as I made my family dinner. I felt excited to make cookies for my husband and kids. More patience filled my heart while my kids were screaming at each other. I was a better listener. In essence, I was doing all the same things I normally do, but I found more happiness in it. I felt more enabled as a mother and wife. By not focusing on myself as I served, every part of my day was more joyful and fulfilling.

Our former beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, taught,

Today Was Not My Day

A few weeks ago, my six-year-old son headed to his semi-final baseball game, and of course, he really wanted to win. Little did he know what was in store. Shortly after he entered the dugout, he tripped on a bag and fell hard to the ground, tearing up his arms and knees. When he got up to bat, the ball hit his hand hard, causing him to cry. He toughed it out and stayed up to bat, but struck out. His team ended up losing the game. When the teams did the “high-five” line after the game, a boy on the other team hit my son’s hand as hard as he could (not knowing that it was his injured hand). And when you’d think it couldn’t get any worse, when the coach pulled Karter’s “end-of-season” trophy out of the box, the bat was broken off of his trophy.

When Karter got home from the game, he wanted to be alone and not talk about it. I suggested he take a bath, and he thought that was a good idea.

About 10 minutes later, I quietly opened the bathroom door and peeked in. I saw his little slumped, defeated shoulders...my heart hurt for him. I knelt to the ground, and gently asked, “Are you ready to talk about it now?”

Appear Not Unto Men, But Unto Thy Father

About two years ago, I remember feeling enlightened while reading Christ’s words in 3 Nephi 13. The word “appear” stood out to me more than any other time I’d read it. In the scripture passage, Christ shares examples about how we do things to appear a certain way towards men, when really, we should focus on how we appear to God.

1,4:“…take heed ye do not your alms before men to be seen of them; otherwise ye have no reward of your Father...thine alms may be in secret; and then thy Father who seeth in secret, himself shall reward thee openly.”

18:“That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father who is in secret; and thy Father, who seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.”

Aren’t Christ’s words exactly what we need for our day? We live at a time where people seem to care about being “seen of men” more than anything else. Facebook and Instragram so often are used to push an appearance. And if we are not careful, we can get caught up in it as well. We must remember that our appearance before God is what truly matters.

In 3 Nephi 12:15, when the Savior teaches us to, “let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works,” how often are we forgetting the second part of that verse—“and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” It does matter that we shine our light, in order to bring others to Christ and to glorify God—not to bring others to “us” and to glorify “ourselves.” So, do we exercise and maintain a healthy body to bring glory and attention to ourselves or to God? Do we post pictures of ourselves playing with our kids to appear a certain way, but in the same breath stop playing once the picture is posted? Do we attend church to “make an appearance,” but spend the rest of the day breaking the Sabbath? It is so important that we look at our motives behind all that we do.

If I’m being honest, I had a major inner-battle as I considered even starting this blog. I felt strong impressions to create my blog, but almost immediately after, I began to worry what others might think. What if I was criticized for my beliefs? What if I was mocked? What if no one read it? What if it looked like I was trying to get attention? What if it offended people? Because I let myself worry about how it would appear to “man,” rather than to God, I almost didn’t go forward with it. Thankfully, as I continued to turn to the Lord in this dilemma, I was blessed to care more about God’s will than man’s. If Samuel the Lamanite was willing to stand on a wall and testify of Christ—while people shot arrows at him—certainly, I could handle whatever came my way as I shared my own, personal witness.

It is SO easy to slip into worrying about how we appear to man instead of God. What a blessing though, that when we DO only care about how God sees us, we are openly blessed by Him—far more than any “man” could ever “reward” us. For example, I’ve found true happiness in pondering, writing, and sharing as I post in my blog. God has blessed me to not worry about likes, comments, shares, and numbers; but instead, to care about how He views what I’m doing. I feel His validation, encouragement, and love. These sweet blessings inspire me to press on, regardless of what others think.

Think about how liberating it would be for us as women, if we only cared about how we appeared to God. If we did this, we would be better mothers, wives, friends, and people. We would mother our children more gently and lovingly, whether it be in public or within the walls of our homes. We would think positively of other women, rather than fault-find verbally or mentally. We would stop comparing. We would practice complete fidelity in our marriages. We would be okay that our body doesn’t fit the world’s standard, and instead, focus on living a healthy lifestyle in a way that pleases God. We would be more selective in what we watched on TV. We would serve better in our callings. Our motives, thoughts, desires, and actions would improve, enabling us to feel more REAL love and joy in life.

Neil L. Andersen put it this way,

People Can Be Like Moldy Cantaloupes

During my first year of marriage, I noticed a rotting cantaloupe in the bottom drawer of my fridge. Annoyed with myself for forgetting I put it there, I cautiously pulled it out. The cantaloupe looked disgusting and was covered in mold. Just as I went to throw it in the trash, an unexpected thought crossed my mind—what if? Give it a try. Being a poor college student, I relented to do just that, and gave it a try. I cut it open, and trimmed off the mold-covered rind. Hesitantly, I tried a tiny bite. I could not believe it. It was hands-down the best cantaloupe I’d ever tasted. The sweetness was spot on, and the texture was perfect. Thank goodness I didn’t throw it away!

Not long after eating my gem of a cantaloupe 😉, another thought came to my mind. That cantaloupe was like a person. The thought was so random and strange, but it set off significant fireworks in my heart. Do I ever “toss” a person aside, without giving them a chance? How quick am I to judge someone based off of a short-sighted first impression? Who have I neglected because I didn’t take the time to see the good? How many sweet and fulfilling relationships with others am I missing out on? What if I gave love to ALL, without handpicking?

Joseph B. Wirthlin taught,

When All Darkness Gathers In

Death. Infertility. Miscarriage. Loss of a child. Depression. Cancer. Divorce. Unmarried. Abuse. Disabilities. Anxiety. Child who strays. Job loss. Financial burden. Poor health. Obesity. Marital Problems. Betrayal. Physical pain. Losing the faith. Suicidal thoughts. Infidelity. Illness. Brain damage. Stroke. Addiction. Widowed/Widower. Failure. 

Every word listed above affects people who are dear friends to me—people who are close to my heart. I am sure many of you could say the same. Unsurprisingly, most of us have had first-hand experience with something on that list, including me. Life brings sorrows, pains, and trials that test us to the very core. Each trial varies in its difficulty; nevertheless, each brings unique suffering and struggle to the receiver. Five years ago, I experienced my own devastating trial.

The Phone Call

I will never forget it—that awful phone call. It was a typical June day, hanging out with my cute toddler in our little apartment. The scorching, humid weather of northern Virginia kept us inside, especially because I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child. My cell rang and I answered to my sister, Sydnie. She said I needed to pray for Kj, our 16-year-old brother. She didn’t have any specific details yet, but she knew it involved a waterfall at Boy Scout Camp, and Kj needed to be life-flighted.

After I hung up, my heart and mind raced. Maybe Kj was in a hospital with a flurry of doctors surrounding him? Did he hit his head? Break a bone? Was he paralyzed? Possible brain damage? I earnestly prayed that his injuries were minimal. When could I talk to him? I hoped it wouldn’t be long. I imagined sitting next to his hospital bed while he told me his story. What a crazy story he would have to tell! I then wondered if his injuries would affect his sports. I continued to create scenarios of his condition, but I honestly never imagined what I was told when Sydnie called again. She was crying, “Kj is dead.”

Dark Days

Those horrible words caught me completely off guard. I cried out in pure panic and asked hysterically, “How do you know? How do you know?! Did a doctor give up on him? Wasn’t there a way to revive him? Who made the call to quit trying?” My sister didn’t have any answers, but she knew he was for sure, gone. I collapsed to my couch, shaking and sobbing. My little brother was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change that. The next slap in the face came when it dawned on me—I couldn’t go to his funeral. Because I was so far along in my pregnancy, I couldn’t fly out to Utah. I couldn’t go see him one last time. I couldn’t be with my family and grieve. These realizations further stabbed my already broken heart.

The following days were very, very dark for me; days that I don’t like to remember. My world was shattered and I was about to have a baby. My sweet husband took over all of my “mom duties,” while in the mean time, I crawled into a hole of grief and pain. Oh, how I missed my brother! I hated that the last time I saw him was during Christmastime (6 months before his death). I wanted so badly to be with my family and attend his funeral.

Generally, I am a happy and outgoing person. But during those dark days, I felt totally the opposite—sad and introverted. If a visitor came, I pretended to be taking a nap in my room—making myself unavailable. I attended church sacrament meeting and left during the closing prayer so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. If I had to leave the apartment, I saw the world in numbness. I honestly wondered if I would ever be happy again. I didn’t smile. If someone called or texted, I didn’t respond.

To make matters worse, I begged and pleaded to the Lord for help—but, to no avail. I did NOT want to be feeling so depressed; yet, no matter how hard I prayed, I felt completely alone and filled with pain. It was as if the Lord had abandoned me.  I’ve never felt so alone.

I couldn't see His hand, but trusted He was there

How would I be able to mother two children in such a terrible condition? I was barely keeping up with my toddler. I felt awfully weak and lifeless, how could I deliver a baby? Even though these fearful questions crossed my mind, I chose to cling to my faith. Past experience taught me to, “trust in the Lord with all thine heart (Proverbs 3:5),” and so I did. Please Heavenly Father, provide a way, because I definitely can’t see it. Please help me. My unwanted feelings of solitude remained, but thank goodness I didn’t give up.

When we face such despairing moments, Dieter F. Uchtdorf offers this beautiful counsel,

“And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”

Similarly, David S. Baxter teaches,

“At these moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced.  Prayer is ignored at the very hour when it needs to be intensified.  Virtue is carelessly tossed aside when it needs to be cherished.  God is forsaken in the all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us…The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only hope is to hold fast to that which is good.  As the mists of darkness gather around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod.”

What a blessing to know that the Son of God pierces all darkness and softens all sorrows! In moments of crisis, we must embrace our faith in Christ, even if we can’t see the end from the beginning. As I suffered the loss of my brother, I am so grateful that I relied upon my Savior. I clung to the iron rod and prayed earnestly. I held on to the only One who had the power of deliverance, even Jesus Christ. I could not see His hand, but I trusted He was there.

Deliverance

The night before Kj’s funeral, I was restless and couldn’t sleep. The truth is I hadn’t slept much in the last four days. I felt beyond tired and extremely depleted. My head hurt from all the tears, and my eyes were practically swollen shut. I tossed and turned, until suddenly, (at roughly 2 am) I felt a contraction. Could this be it? I moved around the apartment and felt another contraction. Was my baby girl coming? I took a shower and the contractions kept coming.

I do not know how to adequately describe what happened next. Tears are running down my cheeks as I think about it. Christ swept in. He took over. The darkness, the pain, the worry, the anguish, the fatigue…the Lord lifted it. He delivered me from the darkness. I felt a LITERAL, physical, emotional, and mental lift of my burdens. I am here to testify—with all the power that I can muster—that Jesus Christ’s atonement is real and magnificent. I experienced His deliverance first-hand and cannot deny what took place that night.

Jeffrey R. Holland’s testimony describes my experience,

“I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair…There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.”

I found strength far beyond my own. Christ provided the way.

A Miracle

As my husband and I drove to the hospital that night, my heart was filled with gratitude, peace, hope, and love. My Savior was carrying me in every way possible. A special calm enveloped my soul. I also felt my brother near, and I know he was involved in the details of that night and the following morning.

Miraculously, I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby girl just before Kj’s funeral started, on June 25^th, 2012. Tears streamed down my weary face as I held her in my arms. The Spirit filled the delivery room—for we were in a holy place. What a precious blessing to hold her after losing my brother! She came at the exact time I needed her. Indeed, she was a direct gift from my loving Heavenly Father.

Throughout my hospital stay, I continued to feel astounding peace, hope, and love. I felt close to Kj, and of his awareness of me and my new baby. Normally, after giving birth I am totally wiped out, but not this time. Jesus Christ continued to sustain me with His grace and enabling power.

The news of my daughter’s arrival gently blessed many broken hearts, especially amongst my family. My husband and I chose to name our baby Karoline Janae, giving her the same initials as her Uncle Kj. Karoline’s timely birth is a testament that God is involved in the details of our lives.

Why?

I have spent time pondering why the Savior didn’t immediately take my pain, even when I turned to Him so earnestly. Why did He allow me to suffer for several days? Why did I have to feel completely alone?

Over the years, many answers have come to those questions. Three main reasons stand out to me the most.

First, suffering can refine and strengthen us.

I better understand this principle now that I am a parent. Recently, I took my toddler to the Emergency Room. It killed me to watch while the nurses performed their painful tests. With each poke, I winced for him. Even though it was terribly painful to allow this suffering, I knew it was for the best…it was the only way to help him. My son quizzically looked at me as he screamed and cried. I’m sure he was wondering why I wasn’t freeing him from this terrifying experience. However, I knew these “pains” would ultimately help him. I sought to comfort him the best I could, but I still allowed his suffering.

Likewise, at times God allows us to suffer because He sees the end from the beginning. Sometimes the suffering will be lifted, but sometimes it won’t. There is great growth that can occur through difficult trials and testing. We must trust in the Lord as we journey through mortality. If we choose so, our trials can be for our good and we will come out triumphant. Just because we are suffering, does NOT mean God isn’t aware of every single second of pain. When my son was in the hospital, every pain he went through mattered to me. Because I loved him so much, I had to allow his suffering in order to help him properly. I know the Lord feels the same way for us. He will never forsake us, even if we are allowed to suffer.

Orson F. Whitney put it this way,

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”

I now see that because of the pains I experienced after Kj died, I have far more compassion and empathy for others who suffer. My testimony of Christ’s amazing grace is stronger, and my reliance upon Him has increased. I am less judgmental of other’s situations. I better recognize my need to accept service from others. I learned I am nothing without Christ. I see how much I desperately need His atonement.

Secondly, I have discovered that suffering enables us to witness and experience God’s goodness.

If Christ had immediately taken my burden, I wouldn’t have appreciated or recognized His magnificent hand like I did. Doctrine and Covenants 29:39 reveals this truth, “…if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet—.” I needed to know the bitter so I could rejoice in the sweet.

What if we never allowed our children to learn to walk, and instead, always held them? What if we gave them everything they wanted, when they wanted it? What if we celebrated birthdays every day of the year? What if we went up to bat for them in their ball games? What if we did their homework for them? Obviously, If we did all of these things, our children wouldn’t know gratitude, hard work, success, joy, independence, perseverance, excitement, love, and so on.

As parents, it is easy for us to see that our children’s challenges and struggles help them grow and become stronger. It enables them to find happiness and success. Undeniably, these same principles apply to each of us as we face the difficulties of life.

Of course, we do not go looking for pain and suffering (If I had it my way, Kj would still be here). And most often we don’t get to choose our trials (unless we bring them upon ourselves through poor choices). Nonetheless, when suffering does come—as we all know it will, we can respond in a positive or negative way. The choice is ours. I am grateful for what I have learned through my harrowing trial, even though it has meant a great deal of pain. I am a better person because of it. I miss Kj terribly, but I trust in God’s perfect plan for His children.

Third, through faithful suffering, we can stand as witnesses of Christ.

Ether 12:6 teaches, “I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

There will be times in life when we cannot see, and we wonder, why me? But if we press on in hope and faith, our eyes eventually will be opened to understand. Ironically, oftentimes the suffering itself is what gives us the understanding we seek.  And once we gain that light and education, we then have the opportunity to be witnesses for Jesus Christ.

In Mosiah 24:14 we read, “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”

This verse holds a special place in my heart, because it is so applicable to how I feel. I know my burden has been lightened so I can stand as a witness for Christ. Nothing brings me greater joy than seeing others come to know their Savior. So, I pray that my witness will help others find Christ the way I did. The blessing of standing as a witness has helped in my healing process, and has helped me to find joy amidst my trial.

Additionally, I am greatly uplifted and strengthened by the witness of others. I find encouragement in my own problems when I see a young mother fight cancer, with her faith centered in Christ. Or to see my parents, after losing their only son, press forward and choose Christ, powerfully touches me. I’ll never forget the man who stuttered terribly, but still chose to testify of Christ at the pulpit. My sweet husband lost his mom to cancer at the age of 16, and I’m continually inspired by his Christ-like example. And to see a dear friend lose her first-born and suffer post-partum depression, but still hold onto the Savior, is a special witness to me. For you see, as we turn to Christ through our sufferings, we stand as witnesses of Christ to each other. And by doing that, we are able to serve and uplift one another, becoming stronger and stronger in our unified faith. It truly is a beautiful thing. We are one in Christ as we stand as His witnesses.

Conclusion

Mercifully, the days that followed my daughter’s birth were just as sweet and full of awe. How could I be feeling so light after losing my only brother? The answer is, and always will be, Jesus Christ. Mothering two was easier than it should’ve been. I felt increased patience with all the demands of mothering. My soul was peaceful and without turmoil. Of course, I still cried tears about Kj’s death and missed him with my whole heart (I still do); BUT, the “gloom and doom” was gone. I was able to miss him without the darkness. Because of Christ, I could miss him without feeling despair. And guess what? I STILL feel this way. Kj’s death is still a very real and sad thing in my life, but I am humbly grateful I can cry and miss him without feeling dark despair. Five years later, Christ’s atonement is a precious gift that keeps on giving.

A beautiful truth about our Savior’s loving atonement is that ALL can have the same outcome I experienced, regardless of the reason of suffering. Jesus Christ can make our burdens light and bring peace to our hearts. In our darkest moments He is there, even if we don’t see Him. He can heal us. It may not be immediate, but His promises hold true. In Matthew 11:28, Christ kindly invites us to, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

I bear my unwavering witness that Jesus Christ lives. He will never forsake us. If we choose Him, He will sustain us in our sufferings. If we choose Him, every battle we face can bring growth and an increased ability to feel joy. If we choose Him, we have the privilege of standing as His witnesses. If we choose Him, we will find healing and happiness as we bless and uplift each other. I will be forever grateful to my Redeemer for His amazing grace. In my darkest hour, He blessed me with His love and light, and I know He can do the same for all of us.

1. Jesus, the very thought of thee

With sweetness fills my breast;

But sweeter far thy face to see

And in thy presence rest.

2. Nor voice can sing, nor heart can frame,

Nor can the mem'ry find

A sweeter sound than thy blest name,

O Savior of mankind!

3. O hope of ev'ry contrite heart,

O joy of all the meek,

To those who fall, how kind thou art!

How good to those who seek!

4. Jesus, our only joy be thou,

As thou our prize wilt be;

Jesus, be thou our glory now,

And thru eternity.

(“Jesus the Very Thought of Thee”. Hymnal, p. 141. Text: Attr. to Bernard of Clairvaux, ca. 1091-1153; trans. by Edward Caswall, 1814-1878)

Details about Kj and his Death

On October 20^th, 1995, Kj was born into our large family. My four sisters and I were beyond excited to have a baby brother…finally! My parents were also thrilled to have a son after five daughters. We needed Kj, and he changed our family forever.

I loved holding Kj as a baby, playing sword fights with him when he was a toddler, sleeping out on the trampoline when he was a kid, and sharing a friendship when he was a pre-teen and teen. We went on bike rides and walks, floated the canal, threw a baseball in the backyard, made huts, played Nintendo, planned Family Home Evening together, read scriptures together, rented movies, made movies…the list could go on and on. He was my friend. He was one to say, “I love you”—he regularly showed his love to my family. Kj told the funniest stories, and could make me and my sisters laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe.

Kj was a friend to the “new kid” and left people better than he found them. He stood up for right and was a positive example to many. He found the good in life and in people. He often talked about how he just wanted to skip high school and serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His spiritual maturity was well beyond his years.

He loved sports (especially baseball), and as a Sophomore, he helped his Varsity baseball team win the State Championship. He also loved the outdoors—camping, fishing, hunting, and hiking. Four short weeks after winning the State Championship, Kj left with his scout troop to Havasupai in Arizona.

On June 20^th, 2012, a group of boy scouts (including Kj) and leaders swam in Havasu Falls before lunch. No danger lurked and they had a blast. They met as a troop to eat lunch and then a group went ahead to Mooney Falls.

Upon arrival, Kj waded into the 5 ft. deep water. He swam just to the right of the main falls, and immediately got trapped in a strong current that pulled him under. He swam hard, struggling in the whitewater. He called for help saying that he couldn't breathe. Person #1 (excluding names for privacy) moved toward him, but couldn't reach him, so he jumped in. The current was so strong it pulled the shoes off Person #1’s feet. Person #1 was able to reach Kj’s hand, but the current was pulling both of them down and towards the waterfall. Kj was pulled forcefully by the water, breaking the handgrip. Kj disappeared below the whitewater for too long (somewhere between 2-5 minutes). When he finally appeared, he was face down in the whitewater. While standing on the bank, Person #2 was able to see the back of Kj’s head and his shoulder blades. He dove in and grabbed him. Person #2 felt he was being sucked in, but once he grabbed Kj, he felt pushed out of the falls. Person #2 pulled Kj to shore and immediately began resuscitation. In the meantime, Person #1 and Person #3 were stuck behind the falls and couldn’t escape. A human chain had to be formed to get them out.

Several people continued CPR on Kj. It was clear he was not breathing and he did not have a heartbeat. There was no cell-phone service in that area, so it was hard to call for help. Someone ran to get another leader, who was a MD.

Multiple attempts to bring Kj back were made and many priesthood blessings were offered. But after almost two hours of trying, they regretfully announced Kj as dead.

The reason our family did not know many details during this time was because of the cell-phone service. For anyone to call us, they would have to travel a couple miles to reach service. We first were informed Kj was hurt in a waterfall, and later we were told he died.

A helicopter was supposed to come quickly, but never did. The evening of his death, a group of courageous men chose to hike Kj’s body out to the village. This was a very dangerous task and incredibly difficult, but miraculously they completed the task. To them our family will be forever grateful.

My family and I do NOT hold anyone responsible, and we trust that it was Kj’s time to continue his work on the other side. We express deep gratitude for all who were involved in any way.

My daughter, Karoline, will turn 5 on June 25th, 2017. She continues to be a great blessing in my life.