We Need Each Other

The day after my 29^th birthday, I went to run down the stairs, but I lost my footing on the second stair—causing me to slip backwards. Instinctively, I reached my hands out for anything to grab on to and catch myself, but there was nothing but air. Before I knew it, it felt like someone swung a bat at the base of my skull. I blacked out for a second, and thought I was going to throw up. A consuming white noise rung in my head for several minutes. I laid there and thought, did that really just happen?  My head, neck, spine, and tailbone were throbbing with pain, and to make matters worse, my husband was out of town on a business trip.

But life must go on, right? I still had to be a mom and meet the demands of my day. In my mind, I had no other choice but to try to ignore the pain and continue on as normally as I could. I took my daughter to gymnastics, with her three siblings in tow. I can do hard things!  I’ll be fine. I tried to be mentally tough, even though with each passing minute I felt weaker and weaker. As the day continued, I was struggling more than I knew how to respond to. My head was spinning and my brain was in a fog.

Fortunately, my husband arrived home from his trip later that day. He took over with the kids, while I fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, everything felt even worse and my mind felt foreign to me. It wasn’t working right. I immediately started to worry about how I was going to function as a mother. How long was this going to last? How long would I feel like this? 

I’m a planner. I make to-do lists. I like to exercise. I like to “cease the day” so to speak. But that was all stripped from me in an instant. My head constantly ached with pain. Anything that involved mental exertion felt impossible. It strained my brain to read. I couldn’t write. My thoughts wouldn’t process easily. It was hard to find the right words when talking. I couldn’t look at screens or be in the light. Carrying a conversation was exhausting. Noise was overwhelming. Trying to follow instructions felt impossible. I couldn’t make dinner. And to top it off, it felt like a bowling ball was constantly pushing my neck and head down. I felt SO overwhelmed, SO confused, and SO helpless.

To my dismay, I was forced into a situation where I HAD to be helped. I truly didn’t have any other option. This was incredibly difficult for me. I love to be the one to help others, but I struggle with receiving help. I don’t like “burdening” others or feeling like an inconvenience. I tend to feel guilty accepting service from others. My predicament put me far, far out of my comfort zone.

Women from my church found out about my accident, and within minutes these angelic people went to work to help me. Meals were brought to our home every day. People came for weeks in shifts to help me with my kids. Others picked my children up and would babysit them. My husband did laundry, housework, took over with the kids when he could, etc. As all of this was happening, I was deeply grateful and touched. I couldn’t believe how many people went out of their way to help me and my family. But at the same time, I wanted to crawl in a hole of shame and embarrassment. It felt so wrong that I couldn’t function right. It felt so wrong that everyone around me had to take on all my problems. I felt like such a burden.

This isn’t subject that is talked about a whole lot. We hear all about how to serve, but we don’t spend much time talking about how to receive service. Well, I’m here to start the conversation—because it is something I have struggled with my whole life, and I want to have a better understanding of it.

With all of my time bedridden, I thought a lot about the principle of receiving service. Was it wrong to accept so much service? Is it better to try to do it on my own? How do I find the right balance? Why is this so confusing? I had so many questions and very few answers. I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me understand.

In my pursuit to find answers, I studied the scriptures and looked for examples of people receiving service. I read the story of Alma and Amulek (found in Alma chapters 8-15). Their story is exactly what I needed to read. It touched me, and I discovered the answers I was looking for.

Here is a quick recap of my study:

If we remember, Alma tried to preach the word of God in the city of Ammonihah, and the people not only rejected what he taught, but they spit on him and cast him out. This caused him much sorrow and he was struggling. However, an angel appears to him with comforting words and tells him to go back and preach again. Alma takes courage and makes his journey to go back, but this time he takes a different route.

Alma is hungry and I’m sure entirely exhausted. What he does next is pivotal to the rest of his life. He chooses to ask someone for food. He recognized his need for help, and he humbly asks for it. He chooses to ask Amulek—a person that would become his precious friend and would help him preach and bring many unto Christ. And not only does Alma ask for food and go on his way, but he stays in Amulek’s home and accepts his service for MANY DAYS.

Let’s rewind for a second. What if Alma chose not to ask for help in his hour of need? What if he decided to “push through” and trust that he was strong enough? It’s hard to imagine Alma’s story without Amulek. Also, think of how much it blessed the giver, Amulek, to have the opportunity to meet Alma and serve him. Without Alma, Amulek’s life story also drastically changes. They both played vital roles in each other’s lives. They took care of each other, and by so doing, were great tools in the Lord’s hands to bless countless others.

For most my life when I have prayed for strength, my belief and trust was that Heavenly Father would give me the personal strength to handle my problems. But since my injury, my eyes have been opened to see that oftentimes the way God will send me strength is by sending another’s strength to help me. If I reject that person, I am basically rejecting an answer to my prayers—I am rejecting God.

Before my concussion, whenever I heard the familiar quote by Spencer W. Kimball, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs,”—I always applied myself to being the person that meets another’s needs…not the other way around. I didn’t see myself as the receiver; I only wanted to be the giver.

Robert D. Hales perfectly explains why my thinking was flawed,

“When you attempt to live life’s experiences alone, you are not being true to yourself, nor to your basic mission in life. Individuals in difficulty often say: “I’ll do it alone,” “Leave me alone,” “I don’t need you,” “I can take care of myself.” It has been said that no one is so rich that he does not need another’s help, no one so poor as not to be useful in some way to his fellowman. The disposition to ask assistance from others with confidence, and to grant it with kindness, should be part of our very nature.

“When I was a young boy in Long Island, New York, a robin built her nest every year on the roof of our home. We used to watch as she had her little ones. She fed them and nurtured them. And when it was time for them to fly, she gently and lovingly would nudge them out of the nest. They would glide to the ground, their wings fluttering—unsure, afraid, and not knowing how to fly. Then the mother would go down to the ground and help them learn how to find their food and teach them how to fly. She wanted to help them to be on their own.

“It brought me great sorrow each year when I would find a young bird that tried to “do it alone.” Often he would be found dead in the rock garden below among the lilies of the valley.”

I now understand that if we try to go about facing life “alone”, we will eventually find ourselves dead like that little bird. We really do need each other to avoid such a tragedy. By letting others help us, we are enabled and strengthened to help others in return. The birds that let their mother teach them to fly eventually could fly on their own to accomplish much good. In contrast, the birds that rejected the help were never able to fulfill a beautiful life, for they were dead.

Additionally, I think it is important to note that the mother bird helped teach the baby birds how to be on their own. The baby birds didn’t live their lives constantly dependent upon their mother. Similarly, we should strive to be as self-sufficient and as self-reliant as possible—the Lord has taught us to do so. We should never be takers and abuse those who give. We need to do our best to work hard, serve others, and provide for ourselves. We all know people who take advantage of the service of others or who always count on others to fix their problems. Let us not be found amongst the takers. HOWEVER, in our moments of true need, let us receive humbly and graciously. It is not wrong to accept service when we truly need it. It is God’s plan that we need each other.

I love these beautiful words from Marjorie Pay Hinckley, “We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young. And, hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old. It is a sociological fact that women need women. We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.”

Sister Hinckley is right. We do need each other—just like Alma and Amulek needed each other. In Alma’s hour of need, Amulek was there for him—caring for him in his home for many days. At a later time, Amulek is the one who is suffering, and it’s not hard to guess who helped him in his hour of need.

The scriptures found in Alma 15: 16 & 18, describe Amulek’s situation and how Alma helped him.

“16 And it came to pass that Alma and Amulek, Amulek having forsaken all his gold, and silver, and his precious things, which were in the land of Ammonihah, for the word of God, he being rejected by those who were once his friends and also by his father and his kindred;

“18 Now as I said, Alma having seen all these things, therefore he took Amulek and came over to the land of Zarahemla, and took him to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord."

This is such a beautiful story to me, and I know without a doubt Heavenly Father wanted me to read it. I want to be more like Alma and Amulek—willing to accept love and service, and willing to give love and service. They gave, and received, and both came out stronger because of it. I want to do the same.

There will be times in our lives when we will be a tool in God’s hand to aid another, and we will rejoice in it. But we must realize that there will also be times when we will be the receiver, and we need to learn to graciously rejoice in that too. So, the next time someone offers to help with the kids during church on a hectic day, allow them to. The next time someone offers to bring you dinner when you are ill, humbly accept their service. The next time you are in tears not knowing how you’ll get through the next day, reach out to a friend. These are all situations where I have learned the hard way—I’ve rejected help at church when I needed it, I’ve declined dinner when secretly I knew I was in great need, and I’ve cried during difficult pregnancies without ever reaching out for help. I now realize that in each of these situations, I was rejecting Heavenly Father’s answers to my prayers. He was sending His blessings, and I was rejecting them. I was also rejecting opportunities to develop beloved relationships with others. I sincerely pray that I can do better at letting others in. By letting others serve us, we develop blessed friendships, we come closer to the Lord, and we are enabled to extend that same love and service in return.

I sincerely thank all those who have reached out to me since my injury. Even though I am still dealing with some of the effects of my concussion, I am grateful for what I have learned from this trial. By allowing others in, I have experienced the sweetest of blessings. I feel Heavenly Father helping me through His servants. I feel humbly grateful for the goodness of so many people.

Thank you, thank you, for being His hands in my hour(s) of need. We all are facing different trials right now, and I pray we (especially me) can do better at both receiving succor and giving it—being tools in God’s hands to spread His love and care.

In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,

In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,

At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—

As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

(“How Firm a Foundation”, pg 85, verse 2. Text: Attr. to Robert Keen, ca. 1787. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835).