Death. Infertility. Miscarriage. Loss
of a child. Depression. Cancer. Divorce. Unmarried. Abuse. Disabilities.
Anxiety. Child who strays. Job loss. Financial burden. Poor health. Obesity.
Marital Problems. Betrayal. Physical pain. Losing the faith.
Suicidal thoughts. Infidelity. Illness. Brain damage. Stroke. Addiction.
Widowed/Widower. Failure.
Every word listed above affects people
who are dear friends to me—people who are close to my heart. I am sure many of
you could say the same. Unsurprisingly, most of us have had first-hand
experience with something on that list, including me. Life brings sorrows,
pains, and trials that test us to the very core. Each trial varies in its
difficulty; nevertheless, each brings unique suffering and struggle to the
receiver. Five years ago, I experienced my own devastating trial.
The Phone Call
I will never forget it—that awful
phone call. It was a typical June day, hanging out with my cute toddler in our
little apartment. The scorching, humid weather of northern Virginia kept us
inside, especially because I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child. My
cell rang and I answered to my sister, Sydnie. She said I needed to pray for
Kj, our 16-year-old brother. She didn’t have any specific details yet, but she
knew it involved a waterfall at Boy Scout Camp, and Kj needed to be
life-flighted.
After I hung up, my heart and mind
raced. Maybe Kj was in a hospital with a
flurry of doctors surrounding him? Did he hit his head? Break a bone? Was he
paralyzed? Possible brain damage? I earnestly prayed that his injuries were
minimal. When could I talk to him? I hoped
it wouldn’t be long. I imagined sitting next to his hospital bed while he told
me his story. What a crazy story he would
have to tell! I then wondered if his injuries would affect his sports. I
continued to create scenarios of his condition, but I honestly never imagined
what I was told when Sydnie called again. She was crying, “Kj is dead.”
Dark Days
Those horrible words caught me
completely off guard. I cried out in pure panic and asked hysterically, “How do
you know? How do you know?! Did a doctor give up on him? Wasn’t there a way to
revive him? Who made the call to quit trying?” My sister didn’t have any
answers, but she knew he was for sure, gone. I collapsed to my couch, shaking
and sobbing. My little brother was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change that. The next slap in the face came
when it dawned on me—I couldn’t go to his funeral. Because I was so far along
in my pregnancy, I couldn’t fly out to Utah. I couldn’t go see him one last
time. I couldn’t be with my family and grieve. These realizations further stabbed
my already broken heart.
The following days were very, very
dark for me; days that I don’t like to remember. My world was shattered and I
was about to have a baby. My sweet husband took over all of my “mom duties,”
while in the mean time, I crawled into a hole of grief and pain. Oh, how I missed my brother! I hated
that the last time I saw him was during Christmastime (6 months before his
death). I wanted so badly to be with my family and attend his funeral.
Generally, I am a happy and outgoing
person. But during those dark days, I felt totally the opposite—sad and
introverted. If a visitor came, I pretended to be taking a nap in my
room—making myself unavailable. I attended church sacrament meeting and left
during the closing prayer so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. If I had to
leave the apartment, I saw the world in numbness. I honestly wondered if I
would ever be happy again. I didn’t smile. If someone called or texted, I
didn’t respond.
To make matters worse, I begged and pleaded to the Lord for
help—but, to no avail. I did NOT want to be feeling so depressed; yet, no
matter how hard I prayed, I felt completely alone and filled with pain. It was
as if the Lord had abandoned me. I’ve
never felt so alone.
I couldn't see His hand, but trusted He was there
How
would I be able to mother two children in such a terrible condition? I was
barely keeping up with my toddler. I felt awfully weak and lifeless, how could I deliver a baby? Even
though these fearful questions crossed my mind, I chose to cling to my faith.
Past experience taught me to, “trust in the Lord with all thine heart (Proverbs
3:5),” and so I did. Please Heavenly
Father, provide a way, because I definitely can’t see it. Please help me. My
unwanted feelings of solitude remained, but thank goodness I didn’t give up.
When we face such despairing moments, Dieter
F. Uchtdorf offers this beautiful counsel,
“And to all who suffer—to all who feel
discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never
give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace
and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all
darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”
Similarly, David S. Baxter teaches,
“At these moments of crisis and
challenge, some choose to abandon faith just at the time when it most needs to
be embraced. Prayer is ignored at the
very hour when it needs to be intensified.
Virtue is carelessly tossed aside when it needs to be cherished. God is forsaken in the all-too-human yet
mistaken fear that He has forsaken us…The truth is that our only safety, our
only security, our only hope is to hold fast to that which is good. As the mists of darkness gather around us, we
are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod.”
What a blessing to know that the Son
of God pierces all darkness and softens all sorrows! In moments of crisis, we
must embrace our faith in Christ, even if we can’t see the end from the
beginning. As I suffered the loss of my brother, I am so grateful that I relied
upon my Savior. I clung to the iron rod and prayed earnestly. I held on to the only One who had the power of deliverance,
even Jesus Christ. I could not see His hand, but I trusted He was there.
Deliverance
The night before Kj’s funeral, I was
restless and couldn’t sleep. The truth is I hadn’t slept much in the last four
days. I felt beyond tired and extremely depleted. My head hurt from all the
tears, and my eyes were practically swollen shut. I tossed and turned, until
suddenly, (at roughly 2 am) I felt a contraction. Could this be it? I moved around the apartment and felt another
contraction. Was my baby girl coming?
I took a shower and the contractions kept coming.
I do not know how to adequately
describe what happened next. Tears are running down my cheeks as I think about
it. Christ swept in. He took over. The darkness, the pain, the worry, the
anguish, the fatigue…the Lord lifted it. He delivered me from the darkness. I
felt a LITERAL, physical, emotional, and mental lift of my burdens. I am here
to testify—with all the power that I can muster—that Jesus Christ’s atonement
is real and magnificent. I experienced His deliverance first-hand and cannot
deny what took place that night.
Jeffrey R. Holland’s testimony describes my
experience,
“I testify that the Savior’s Atonement
lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our
disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair…There can and will
be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto
Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as
the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” The Savior reminds us that He has “graven
[us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of
the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back
on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He
knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked
it. He knows the way because He is the way.”
I found strength far beyond my own.
Christ provided the way.
A Miracle
As my husband and I drove to the
hospital that night, my heart was filled with gratitude, peace, hope, and love.
My Savior was carrying me in every way possible. A special calm enveloped my soul. I
also felt my brother near, and I know he was involved in the details of that
night and the following morning.
Miraculously, I gave birth to a
beautiful, perfect baby girl just before Kj’s funeral started, on June 25th,
2012. Tears streamed down my weary face as I held her in my arms. The Spirit
filled the delivery room—for we were in a holy place. What a precious blessing to hold her after losing my brother! She
came at the exact time I needed her.
Indeed, she was a direct gift from my loving Heavenly Father.
Throughout my hospital stay, I
continued to feel astounding peace, hope, and love. I felt close to Kj, and of
his awareness of me and my new baby. Normally, after giving birth I am totally
wiped out, but not this time. Jesus Christ continued to sustain me with His
grace and enabling power.
The news of my daughter’s arrival
gently blessed many broken hearts, especially amongst my family. My husband and
I chose to name our baby Karoline Janae, giving her the same initials as her
Uncle Kj. Karoline’s timely birth is a testament that God is involved in the
details of our lives.
Why?
I have spent time pondering why the
Savior didn’t immediately take my pain, even when I turned to Him so earnestly.
Why did He allow me to suffer for several days? Why did I have to feel completely alone?
Over the years, many answers have come
to those questions. Three main reasons stand out to me the most.
First, suffering can refine and strengthen us.
I better understand this principle now
that I am a parent. Recently, I took my toddler to the Emergency Room. It
killed me to watch while the nurses performed their painful tests. With each
poke, I winced for him. Even though it was terribly painful to allow this
suffering, I knew it was for the best…it was the only way to help him. My son
quizzically looked at me as he screamed and cried. I’m sure he was wondering
why I wasn’t freeing him from this terrifying experience. However, I knew these
“pains” would ultimately help him. I sought to comfort him the best I could,
but I still allowed his suffering.
Likewise, at times God allows us to
suffer because He sees the end from the beginning. Sometimes the suffering will
be lifted, but sometimes it won’t. There is great growth that can occur through
difficult trials and testing. We must trust in the Lord as we journey through
mortality. If we choose so, our trials can be for our good and we will come out
triumphant. Just because we are suffering, does NOT mean God isn’t aware of
every single second of pain. When my son was in the hospital, every pain he
went through mattered to me. Because I loved him so much, I had to allow his
suffering in order to help him properly. I know the Lord feels the same way for
us. He will never forsake us, even if we are allowed to suffer.
Orson F. Whitney put it this way,
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that
we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of
such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer
and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our
characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender
and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is
through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education
that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and
Mother in heaven.”
I now see that because of the pains I
experienced after Kj died, I have far more compassion and empathy for others
who suffer. My testimony of Christ’s amazing grace is stronger, and my reliance
upon Him has increased. I am less judgmental of other’s situations. I better
recognize my need to accept service from others. I learned I am nothing without
Christ. I see how much I desperately need His atonement.
Secondly, I have discovered that suffering enables us to witness and experience God’s goodness.
If Christ had immediately taken my
burden, I wouldn’t have appreciated or recognized His magnificent hand like I
did. Doctrine and Covenants 29:39 reveals this truth, “…if they never should
have bitter they could not know the sweet—.” I needed to know the bitter so I
could rejoice in the sweet.
What if we never allowed our children
to learn to walk, and instead, always held them? What if we gave them
everything they wanted, when they wanted it? What if we celebrated birthdays
every day of the year? What if we went up to bat for them in their ball games?
What if we did their homework for them? Obviously, If we did all of these
things, our children wouldn’t know gratitude, hard work, success, joy,
independence, perseverance, excitement, love, and so on.
As parents, it is easy for us to see
that our children’s challenges and struggles help them grow and become
stronger. It enables them to find happiness and success. Undeniably, these same
principles apply to each of us as we face the difficulties of life.
Of course, we do not go looking for
pain and suffering (If I had it my way, Kj would still be here). And most often
we don’t get to choose our trials (unless we bring them upon ourselves through
poor choices). Nonetheless, when suffering does come—as we all know it will, we
can respond in a positive or negative way. The choice is ours. I am grateful
for what I have learned through my harrowing trial, even though it has meant a
great deal of pain. I am a better person because of it. I miss Kj terribly, but
I trust in God’s perfect plan for His children.
Third, through faithful suffering, we can stand as witnesses of Christ.
Ether 12:6 teaches, “I would show unto
the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore,
dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial
of your faith.”
There will be times in life when we
cannot see, and we wonder, why me?
But if we press on in hope and faith, our eyes eventually will be opened to
understand. Ironically, oftentimes the suffering itself is what gives us the
understanding we seek. And once we gain
that light and education, we then have the opportunity to be witnesses for
Jesus Christ.
In Mosiah 24:14 we read, “And I will
also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot
feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do
that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a
surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”
This verse holds a special place in my
heart, because it is so applicable to how I feel. I know my burden has been
lightened so I can stand as a witness for Christ. Nothing brings me greater joy
than seeing others come to know their Savior. So, I pray that my witness will help
others find Christ the way I did. The blessing of standing as a witness has
helped in my healing process, and has helped me to find joy amidst my trial.
Additionally, I am greatly uplifted
and strengthened by the witness of others. I find encouragement in my own
problems when I see a young mother fight cancer, with her faith centered in
Christ. Or to see my parents, after losing their only son, press forward and
choose Christ, powerfully touches me. I’ll never forget the man who stuttered
terribly, but still chose to testify of Christ at the pulpit. My sweet husband
lost his mom to cancer at the age of 16, and I’m continually inspired by his
Christ-like example. And to see a dear friend lose her first-born and suffer
post-partum depression, but still hold onto the Savior, is a special witness to
me. For you see, as we turn to Christ through our sufferings, we stand as
witnesses of Christ to each other. And by doing that, we are able to serve and
uplift one another, becoming stronger and stronger in our unified faith. It truly
is a beautiful thing. We are one in Christ as we stand as His witnesses.
Conclusion
Mercifully, the days that followed my
daughter’s birth were just as sweet and full of awe. How could I be feeling so light after losing my only brother? The
answer is, and always will be, Jesus Christ. Mothering two was easier than it
should’ve been. I felt increased patience with all the demands of mothering. My
soul was peaceful and without turmoil. Of course, I still cried tears about
Kj’s death and missed him with my whole heart (I still do); BUT, the “gloom and
doom” was gone. I was able to miss him without the darkness. Because of Christ,
I could miss him without feeling despair. And guess what? I STILL feel this
way. Kj’s death is still a very real
and sad thing in my life, but I am humbly grateful I can cry and miss him without
feeling dark despair. Five years later, Christ’s atonement is a precious gift
that keeps on giving.
A beautiful truth about our Savior’s loving
atonement is that ALL can have the same outcome I experienced, regardless of
the reason of suffering. Jesus Christ can make our burdens light and bring
peace to our hearts. In our darkest moments He is there, even if we don’t see
Him. He can heal us. It may not be immediate, but His promises hold true. In
Matthew 11:28, Christ kindly invites us to, “Come unto me, all ye that labour
and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
I bear my unwavering witness that
Jesus Christ lives. He will never forsake us. If we choose Him, He will sustain
us in our sufferings. If we choose Him, every battle we face can bring growth
and an increased ability to feel joy. If we choose Him, we have the privilege
of standing as His witnesses. If we choose Him, we will find healing and happiness
as we bless and uplift each other. I will be forever grateful to my Redeemer
for His amazing grace. In my darkest hour, He blessed me with His love and
light, and I know He can do the same for all of us.
1. Jesus, the very thought of thee
With sweetness fills my breast;
But sweeter far thy face to see
And in thy presence rest.
2. Nor voice can sing, nor heart can
frame,
Nor can the mem'ry find
A sweeter sound than thy blest name,
O Savior of mankind!
3. O hope of ev'ry contrite heart,
O joy of all the meek,
To those who fall, how kind thou art!
How good to those who seek!
4. Jesus, our only joy be thou,
As thou our prize wilt be;
Jesus, be thou our glory now,
And thru eternity.
(“Jesus the Very Thought of Thee”. Hymnal,
p. 141. Text: Attr. to Bernard of Clairvaux, ca. 1091-1153; trans. by Edward
Caswall, 1814-1878)
Details about Kj and his Death
On October 20th,
1995, Kj was born into our large family. My four sisters and I were beyond
excited to have a baby brother…finally! My parents were also thrilled to have a
son after five daughters. We needed Kj, and he changed our family forever.
I loved holding Kj as
a baby, playing sword fights with him when he was a
toddler, sleeping out on the trampoline when he was a kid, and sharing a
friendship when he was a pre-teen and teen. We went on bike rides and walks,
floated the canal, threw a baseball in the backyard, made huts, played
Nintendo, planned Family Home Evening together, read scriptures together,
rented movies, made movies…the list could go on and on. He was my friend. He
was one to say, “I love you”—he regularly showed his love to my family. Kj told
the funniest stories, and could make me and my sisters laugh so hard we
couldn’t breathe.
Kj was a friend to the “new kid” and left people better than he found
them. He stood up for right and was a positive example to many. He found the
good in life and in people. He often talked about how he just wanted to skip
high school and serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. His spiritual maturity was well beyond his years.
He loved sports (especially baseball), and as a Sophomore, he helped his
Varsity baseball team win the State Championship. He also loved the outdoors—camping,
fishing, hunting, and hiking. Four short weeks after winning the State
Championship, Kj left with his scout troop to Havasupai in Arizona.
On June 20th, 2012, a group of boy scouts (including Kj) and
leaders swam in Havasu Falls before lunch. No danger lurked and they had a
blast. They met as a troop to each lunch, and then a group went ahead to Mooney
Falls.
Upon arrival, Kj waded into the 5 ft. deep water. He swam just to the
right of the main falls, and immediately got trapped in a strong current that
pulled him under. He swam hard, struggling in the whitewater. He called for
help saying that he couldn't breathe. Person #1 (excluding names for privacy)
moved toward him, but couldn't reach him, so he jumped in. The current was so
strong it pulled the shoes off Person #1’s feet. Person #1 was able to reach Kj’s
hand, but the current was pulling both of them down and towards the waterfall. Kj
was pulled forcefully by the water, breaking the handgrip. Kj disappeared below
the whitewater for too long (somewhere between 2-5 minutes). When he finally
appeared, he was face down in the whitewater. While standing on the bank, Person
#2 was able to see the back of Kj’s head and his shoulder blades. He dove in
and grabbed him. Person #2 felt he was being sucked in, but once he grabbed Kj,
he felt pushed out of the falls. Person #2 pulled Kj to shore and immediately
began resuscitation. In the meantime, Person #1 and Person #3 were stuck behind
the falls and couldn’t escape. A human chain had to be formed to get them out.
Several people continued CPR on Kj. It was clear he was not breathing
and he did not have a heartbeat. There was no cell-phone service in that area,
so it was hard to call for help. Someone ran to get another leader, who was a
MD.
Multiple attempts to bring Kj back were made and many priesthood blessings
were offered. But after almost two hours of trying, they regretfully announced
Kj as dead.
The reason our family did not know many details during this time was because of the cell-phone service. For anyone to call us, they would have to travel a couple miles to reach service. We first were informed Kj was hurt in a waterfall, and later we were told he died.
A helicopter was supposed to come quickly, but never did. The evening of
his death, a group of courageous men chose to hike Kj’s body out to the village.
This was a very dangerous task and incredibly difficult, but miraculously they
completed the task. To them our family will be forever grateful.
My family and I do NOT hold anyone responsible, and we trust that it was
Kj’s time to continue his work on the other side. We express deep gratitude for
all who were involved in any way.
My daughter, Karoline, will turn 5 on June 25th, 2017. She continues to be a great blessing in my life.
