Am I an Intentional Mother?

A few weeks ago, I watched the broadcast announcing the new First Presidency for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I listened to President Russell M. Nelson speak, and he said something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. He used the phrase “righteous, intentional parenting." When he said this, I felt a direct prompting that the word intentional matters beyond understanding—specifically for mothers. I knew I needed to study and ponder what it meant.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of intentional is, “done on purpose; deliberate.” With this definition in mind, I’ve asked myself some soul-searching questions. Am I deliberate in the choices I make each day as a mom? Are my actions as a mother done with purpose? Am I a righteous, intentional mother?

If I’m being honest, my answer to all of these questions is sometimes I am, but sometimes I am not. There are times when I am passive or distracted rather than intentional. There are times when I lose sight of my main purpose in motherhood. I’m guessing many fellow mommas feel the same way! There are days that feel numb and never-ending, we seem to get trapped in time-wasting activities, and our motto is to merely survive each day. Sadly, this is exactly what Satan wants for us. 

Boyd. K Packer warns,
 
“The ultimate purpose of the adversary, who has “great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time,” is to disrupt, disturb, and destroy the home and the family.”

Each of us have felt Satan’s attacks to disrupt, disturb, and destroy—especially when it comes to intentional mothering. Satan tries to prevent us from mothering with intent by pushing us to focus our intent on other things. We are often very intentional about our clothes, makeup, physical appearance, diets, jobs, hobbies, social media posts, shows we watch, phone use, how we spend our money, and so on. These aren’t necessarily wrong things, but they become wrong when we place more intent on them than what matters most.

If you’re anything like me, this can be so frustrating! I want to be an intentional mother, I really do. I just don’t always follow through with it. Yet, I know I can’t let that bring me down or defeat me!  When we recognize our need for improvement, Satan may bring despair, but God always brings hope. It is okay that we aren’t perfect in our efforts and that some days we fall short—that happens to all of us. But because of Jesus Christ, we can find forgiveness and grace—no matter how many mistakes we’ve made. There is beautiful hope in the fact that each day is a new day of motherhood, and we can all start fresh because of Christ. Through Him, we can repent of our bad moments and find joy and peace in the days ahead.

It is exciting to know that we have countless resources available to help us in this crazy (but wonderful 😉) journey of motherhood. We can be intentional! It IS possible, and we will be abundantly blessed in our efforts. I loved reading several talks and quotes regarding this subject, and I’m excited to share some of the truths I learned. I pray our hearts will be open to see how we can better protect our homes from the attacks of Satan. As I studied this subject, and applied what I’ve learned—the results have truly been wonderful. My kids are happier and I am happier. I have only made small changes, but I can’t believe the difference I’ve seen within our home. I thank my Heavenly Father for inspiring me to study this subject!

So, without further ado, here a few ways we can become more purposeful and intentional in our motherhood.

Time

First, we must spend quality TIME with our precious little ones.

Richard L. Evans stated, “We ‘shall not pass again this way’—and in these swift-passing scenes and seasons there seems to come—insistently, almost above all else—this compelling cry: Take time for your children. More and more, professional people are telling us that children are shaped and molded at a very early age.”

The time we spend with our children—especially our babies and toddlers—will greatly impact their future. I studied Child Development in college, and I’ll never forget learning about how imperative the first 5 years of life are for a child. Factsfor Life: Child Development and Early Learning states, “Recent research confirms that the first five years are particularly important for the development of the child's brain, and the first three years are the most critical in shaping the child's brain architecture. Early experiences provide the base for the brain's organizational development and functioning throughout life. They have a direct impact on how children develop learning skills as well as social and emotional abilities. Children learn more quickly during their early years than at any other time in life. They need love and nurturing to develop a sense of trust and security that turns into confidence as they grow.” 

We need to interact with our children. We need to turn off the TV/computer, put away the I-Pad, set the phone down, and experience our children. So often nowadays, parents are using electronic devices to babysit or control their toddlers. This practice is harming children’s brain development more than we realize. Click here for more information regarding this.

I’ve noticed that my oldest son (7 years old) is incredibly affected by electronics. I saw it when he was young and I see it now. Even if I only allow him to play on the I-Pad for 30 minutes a day, I see a change in his personality and behavior. Because of this, I made the rule that our family can only have I-Pad time on Saturdays. The results have been WONDERFUL. My children are happier, less moody, and have more time to read and play. They get to use their imaginations and apply themselves to real life. We spend more quality time together as a family when we set aside electronics.

In fact, just this week I’ve tried to do better at spending quality time with my 2-year-old (while the older kids are at school). I made the effort to use my phone less and not get so focused on my “to-do list”. When I could, I gave my little guy my complete attention. I got down on his level, and we talked, played, laughed, and laughed some more. This has been such a joyful experience for both of us. It has inspired me to make a greater effort spending quality time with each of my children.

House of God

Another way we can find more purpose in our motherhood is by taking a look at our homes.

Jospeh B. Wirthlin reminds us, "The Lord’s standards for building a temple apply also to building spiritual strength in our homes: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.” (D&C 88:119.) Do we heed this counsel from the Lord? Do we do what He asks? We would do well to build our homes according to this plan or they are destined to fail."

Furthermore, Gary E. Stevenson advises us to do a personal tour of our homes, “Imagine that you are opening your front door and walking inside your home. What do you see, and how do you feel? Is it a place of love, peace, and refuge from the world, as is the temple? Is it clean and orderly? As you walk through the rooms of your home, do you see uplifting images which include appropriate pictures of the temple and the Savior? Is your bedroom or sleeping area a place for personal prayer? Is your gathering area or kitchen a place where food is prepared and enjoyed together, allowing uplifting conversation and family time? Are scriptures found in a room where the family can study, pray, and learn together? Can you find your personal gospel study space? Does the music you hear or the entertainment you see, online or otherwise, offend the Spirit? Is the conversation uplifting and without contention? That concludes our tour. Perhaps you, as I, found a few spots that need some “home improvement”—hopefully not an “extreme home makeover.”

I’m guessing we all found some spots for improvement (I know I did). If we try even just a little—making one small change at a time—I know God will bless us, and we will have greater protection, happiness, and peace in our homes.

Love

Third, we should strive to love our children with true charity, the pure love of Christ.

Moroni 7:45 reminds us how to parent, “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”

It is best to teach, discipline, correct, and direct with charity. From personal experience, my kids and I are always so much happier if I discipline with love rather than contention, anger, or frustration.

It is also important that we continually be the first to show love—even when the receiver isn’t reciprocating that love. Have you ever tried to comfort a child that refuses to be comforted? I have, and it is hard. But I know it is important to keep trying. I take courage in this insightful counsel from H. Burke Peterson, "One of the most effective secrets for happiness is contained in the fourth chapter of 1 John, verse 19. It is only eight words long—listen carefully: “We love him, because he first loved us.” This will cause a change to happen because it is right. Do you get the message? “He first loved us.” Your children will love you; your brothers and sisters will love you; your eternal companion will love you—because you first loved them. Now I don’t mean it will all happen in a day, a week, or a year. But it will happen if you do not give up."

Teach

The last thing I’d like to share is how important it is for us to teach our children. It is not enough for us to hope the best for our kids. We have to intentionally create the best for our kids. We have to teach them through our words and example.

Steven E. Snow shares how we can do this, "As parents, we find our fondest hopes center around our children. We hope they will grow up to lead responsible and righteous lives. Such hopes can be easily dashed if we do not act as good examples. Hope alone does not mean our children will grow in righteousness. We must spend time with them in family home evening and worthwhile family activities. We must teach them to pray. We must read with them in the scriptures and teach them important gospel principles. Only then is it possible our fondest hopes will be realized."

Jospeh B. Wirthlin further teaches, "A personal word of counsel to parents: Teach your children to pray, to rely on the Lord for guidance, and to express appreciation for their blessings. Children learn from you to distinguish between right and wrong. They learn that lying, cheating, stealing, or coveting possessions of others is wrong. Help them to learn to keep the Sabbath day holy and to pay their tithing. Teach them to learn and obey the commandments of God. Teach your young children to work, and teach them that honest labor develops dignity and self-respect. Help them to find pleasure in work and to feel the satisfaction that comes from a job well done."

I had a “teaching” experience with my kids that I feel impressed to share. Last Christmas, my family tried to do service each day during the month of December. For one of the days, my kids had an idea to, “help teach each other with something new.” My oldest wanted to help his sister practice writing her letters. About 2 minutes into him “helping” her (more like constantly correcting and criticizing), she was screaming at him to stop “helping” her. I overhead this as I was cooking dinner, and my patience was waning…I wanted to make them stop and bag the whole thing. But almost instantly after my impatient thoughts, I felt the Holy Ghost quietly speak to my heart and mind, “Teach them how to be Christ-like teachers. Teach them the way Christ taught.”

I explained to my oldest son how Christ gave us the perfect example of how to teach others. Christ didn’t impatiently shout, criticize, and force, but rather kindly led, guided, and explained. He was encouraging and loving.

I’ll never forget what happened next. A ripple effect occurred. As I taught in a Christ-like manner, I watched my son do the same with his sister. Christ taught me, I taught my son, and my son taught his sister. Each of us experienced a transformation. I felt filled with love and patience. My son taught his sister kindly and positively. She responded happily and they had a great letter practice together. And then it dawned on me, not only did I teach my son HOW to teach like Christ, but I was blessed to teach my child the way Christ would’ve taught him. As we seek to teach the way Christ would, our families and children will be blessed. As Boyd K. Packer taught, “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.” I have a testimony that this is true.

Conclusion

Howard W. Hunter declared, “The responsibilities of parenthood are of the greatest importance. The results of our efforts will have eternal consequences for us and the boys and girls we raise. Anyone who becomes a parent is under strict obligation to protect and love his children and assist them to return to their Heavenly Father.”

If we take a moment to think back to our personal childhoods, when were the times we felt happiest? When did we feel of God’s love and close to Him? Who did we learn the most from? My husband and I talked together about these questions, and we both agreed our parents were the key element to our happiness, learning, and success. Because of their examples, teachings, and efforts, our parents helped us to become the people we are today.

Ben B. Banks taught, "Parents should be the master teachers of their children. The Church will assist parents in their teaching and training, but only assist. The Church cannot be a substitute for parental responsibility. Elder Richard L. Evans said the home “is also the source of our personal lives, and in a sense the determiner of our everlasting lives. And so our plea is for parents to take the time it takes to draw near to the children God has given them. Let there be love at home. Let there be tenderness and teaching and caring for and not a shifting of responsibility onto others. God grant that we may never be too busy to do the things that matter most, for ‘Home makes the man.’”

I pray I can do this for my children. It will take intent. It will take work. It will take planning and purpose. But it will be worth it. In fact, President Gordon B. Hinckley has pleaded that we, “work at our responsibility as parents as if everything in life counted on it, because in fact everything in life does count on it.”

I bear my witness that we, mothers in Zion, can be a magnificent, powerful force for good. Tears are filling my eyes because I feel so much love and gratitude for the role that is so uniquely ours. Our children need us. They need righteous, intentional mothers. We CAN do this. Christ will enable us in our every effort. May we press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope (2 Nephi 31:20). May we remember that God is on our side, and will be there to help us always—in our good moments and in our bad moments.

We can take courage in this beautiful reminder from Jeffrey R. Holland, "Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be."

May we align our intentions with God’s will, allowing us to bless our children in incalculable ways, is my humble prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.