This is not something I had to time to do this month. December is CRAZY and I barely could keep up with all of the pressing schedules and commitments. However, earlier this month when I prayed to know what I could do to serve and give this Christmas season—the Lord asked me to share again. Part of me wanted to ask, “But do you see that I’m barely keeping up with my current state??” However, life has taught me that when I do what the Lords asks of me, He makes the impossible possible. He prepares the way.
So, my next challenge was knowing what to share. What message is so important that He needs me to act now and not wait? The answer clearly came to me (multiple times) that I am supposed to testify of Jesus Christ. Yet, I cower to do it—which breaks my heart. My witness of Jesus Christ has changed over time and I wonder how hopeful my message can be. Why is that?
I can’t testify that I feel wrapped in the arms of His love. I can’t testify that I feel to “sing the song of redeeming love.” I can’t stand before you today and say that I feel the Savior regularly comforting me. I used to frequently testify of such things, but for nearly a decade now, I haven’t experienced those feelings. I still remember my first “Girl’s Camp” testimony meeting (the young women of my church would gather each summer for a fun camp and we would always have a testimony meeting when we shared our beliefs of Christ and his gospel). I remember as a young 12-year-old girl during that meeting, feeling the most powerful, beautiful witness that I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father and that he had a great plan for my life. I felt it with my entire soul that I was loved by Him, I had a purpose, and God knew me. I felt the love of Jesus Christ. That experience changed me. My focus, choices, habits all became aligned with those feelings. I was on a team with God. I had a purpose. I was loved.
I don’t feel those feelings anymore. I believe everything I said is true, I just can’t feel it like I used to. Which makes me wonder, how, as this time of my life, can my testimony of Christ be hopeful? I feel like I’m letting people down when I am honest. Although, I know that I’m not alone in feeling this void. It has helped me to realize that many others have experienced this—especially brain injury survivors (I read one account of a man who became an atheist after his brain injury because he could no longer feel God and another account of a woman who contemplated suicide because she no longer felt God in her life). So, maybe I do have something to share. Today, my message and witness of Jesus Christ if for people like me, who are learning to faithfully believe regardless of the outcome, who are learning to wait patiently on promised blessings unrealized. People who may not be feeling the Lord the way others do.
Do you remember that woman with the issue of blood in the New Testament? (Mark 5) I think sometimes we rush to conclude how quickly she was healed upon touching the Savior’s robe—without contemplating her prior 12 years of suffering. 12 years before being healed. 12 years of physicians’ visits and wasted money. 12 years of getting worse rather than better. I have so much compassion for her! I can relate on many levels, and I believe she didn’t wait 12 years to yearn for healing and wholeness. I believe she desired this blessing every day, of every year. She had incredible faith to wait on the Lord for such a long time. She didn’t give up and when the time was right, her faith in Christ made her whole. This woman is such an example to me of what faith looks like.
I may not feel certain “feelings” with the Savior anymore, but I choose to still BELIEVE He wraps me in the arms of His love. I believe He helps me experience His redeeming love through other means than feelings. I believe He is comforting me more than I am able to recognize. I will keep reaching to touch His robe each and every day, while humbly accepting the blessings He chooses to grant.
A few years ago, I felt compelled to study the word “believe” as found in the scriptures. Very rarely does the Lord ask us to know something, but countless times he asks for belief. From my studies, I’ve learned that “belief” is critical to enable the Lord’s arm in our lives. Ever so often His children limit His hand in their lives due to their unbelief. As I studied in the Old Testament, I was reminded of the many signs and miracles the Lord gave to the children of Israel (deliverance out of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, manna from heaven, and so on). Yet, repeatedly the children of Israel would “believe not His wondrous works” (Psalm 78:32). I also find the words interesting in Psalm 78:41 which read, “they…limited the Holy One of Israel.” Christ is limitless, but WE limit Him when we don’t believe Him. Contemplating these scriptures reminded me to remember what the Lord has done for me and to recognize His works, rather than forgetting His hand and doubting His promises.
As I furthered my study in the New Testament, I noticed how often Christ talked about belief—he invited belief, praised belief, and reprimanded unbelief. His words are powerful and insightful. Every scripture listed below are His words—so for those who are seeking to learn from Him, it is worthwhile to read what He has to say:
“Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.” (Matt 8:13)
“Believe ye that I am able to do this?...According to your faith be it unto you.” (Matt 9:28-29)
“All things, whatsoever ye ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” (Matt 21:22)
“Be not afraid, only believe.” (Mark 5:26)
“If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” (Mark 9:23)
“What things soever you desire, when ye pray, believe that you receive them, and ye shall have them.” (Mark 11:24)
“Fear not, believe only, and she shall be made whole.” (Luke 8:50)
“O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken.” (Luke 24:25)
“Except ye see signs and wonders, ye will not believe.” (John 4:48)
“He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life.” (John 5:24)
“For had ye believed Moses, you would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if you believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?” (John 5:46-47)
“I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on my shall never thirst.” (John 6:35)
“But I said unto you, that ye also have seen me, and believe not.” (John 6:36)
“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” (John 7:37-38
“…for if ye believe not that I am He, ye shall die in your sins.” (John 8:24)
“I am come a light into the world that whosever believeth on me shall not abide in darkness.” (John 12:46)
“…He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also” (John 14:12)
“…blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” (John 20:29)
Based upon Christ’s words, my conclusion is that each and every day He is inviting me to cast away my doubt and fear and instead, only believe. It’s okay that there are things I don’t know or understand, as long as I continue believing and following Him. He is inviting me to see that He IS there, rather than focusing on the ways He doesn’t seem there. He is inviting me to trust in His words and promises, more than believing anything else. It can be hard to trust and believe when your righteous desires aren’t being fulfilled—I know that firsthand. Certain blessings I have yearned and prayed for (like feeling the Savior’s love) have not been brought to pass for me, which is why I have deeply studied “belief.” Are my faith and belief insufficient? I know there are times that I doubt. However, I find peace to know that I am blessed for trying to believe “when I have not seen.” I find strength to know that if I receive Christ and believe in Him, He will bless me with power as a daughter of God—regardless of the outcomes of my life. If I truly believe in my Savior, it means I trust in His will, His timing, His blessings.
I am not healed, and may not ever be in this life. I know there are others who carry similar burdens. But Jesus the Christ will prepare our way—His way. We can trust in His promises and His words. Several accounts in the scriptures show us how faith and belief allowed Christ to grant blessings and miracles. We can savor the strength and blessings He chooses to give as we bear our crosses.
A special blessing I have been given that has enabled me to press on, is something that has occurred in my life for over a year now. My spirit has been uniquely nourished as I listen to the words of the sacrament hymn and partake of the sacrament each Sunday. As I have mentioned before, feeling the Spirit is different for me post brain injury, but during this most precious time each Sunday—I am able to feel a bit more—an obvious feeling of peace and the Holy Ghost. A distinct feeling that the Savior is near. It is the only time of the week I am able to “feel” in this way. (I recognize the Spirit daily, but my brain injury blocks much feeling associated with the Spirit). So, to actually FEEL something special during the sacrament each week has been a sacred gift that I hold dear. I look forward to those precious minutes every Sunday.
The longer I suffer through this trial, the more I see I can’t do it alone. Jesus Christ is helping me, whether I feel Him or not. In Him I “find pasture.” He nourishes me, protects me, and provides in a way that no other source can. He is my Shepherd. I know His voice, and He knows mine. Someday I will be whole through Him. Faith and belief require great diligence, patience, and longsuffering (as taught in Alma 32), but we are promised we will receive the fruits of our efforts—fruit which is most precious, sweet, white, and pure. I testify that as we choose to believe in and have faith in Christ’s words and teachings, we will truly find living water. He can be our light so we don’t have to abide in darkness—if we but only believe. Belief in Christ opens the windows of heaven. It instills hope. It roots us to Him. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son. I love Him. I worship Him. I trust Him. It is easier to live by faith and belief than fear and doubt. I believe.