After the last podcast episode, I made a commitment not to go 6 months without sharing again. Well, I kept that commitment! I went 9 months this time! Someday I’ll get this thing figured out. The reality is I am embarrassed that I keep letting so much time pass before I share again, but I’m grateful for the Lord’s patience and grace as I attempt to fulfill His admonition to continue doing this.
I mentioned in my last episode that I have found a new source of help. I am not ready to talk about that yet, because I want to wait until I fully know the extent of the help. In a nutshell, after I last shared, I digressed pretty badly for 6 months. It was really defeating to feel hope and then to feel like I went so far backwards. This is part of the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to write/podcast for several months. It felt too heartbreaking. Thankfully, I’m doing somewhat better and there is a glimmer of hope that I am on the right track with this new treatment. In time I will share all of the details, but not today.
I can’t help but notice the passage of time from when I woke up with a forever changed brain and life. November will mark 8 years. 8 years is a long, long time. If someone told me beforehand what I would go through for nearly a decade—I would’ve said there is absolutely no I way I could do it. To have my feelings and mind distorted, to endure daily physical pain and strain, to mother 5 children, to go to bed wondering if I could make it through another day, to no longer be able to feel God’s love—I would’ve considered it impossible. Yet, here I am, and through God’s compensating blessings, I am still putting one foot in front of the other.
I hadn’t heard the phrase, “compensating blessings” until this year while listening to a message given by Bishop Gerald Causse. His words were like salve to a stinging wound in my soul. Never had I heard God’s mercy described in such a way. Bishop Causse explained how “…when circumstances beyond our control prevent us from fulfilling the righteous desire of our hearts, the Lord will compensate in ways that allow us to receive His promised blessings.” He also quoted Elder Maxwell who taught, “God…takes into merciful account not only our desires and performance, but also the degrees of difficulty which our varied circumstances impose upon us.”
I cried when I heard Bishop Causse share this. To hear that the Lord will mercifully compensate me for where I lack brings me such needed comfort and hope. I’ve often felt guilty that I don’t feel as spiritually strong as I used to. Guilty that I am falling short far more than I used to. But to know that God takes into account the entire picture of my situation, and that He will send me His compensating blessings as I continue to try and fail, and try and fail, has provided healing to my broken soul. Yes, I was able to do more prior to my injury, but I was in a stage of life where my brain functioned correctly. I’m realizing that it’s okay if my best looks different from 10 years ago.
About a month ago, my 15-year-old son bore a powerful testimony during church. He mentioned how when life or temptations make it hard to breathe, he turns to his scriptures and he feels as though an oxygen tank is sitting next to him, allowing him to breathe again. Oh, how true is words are in my own life! I also have contemplated this analogy in other ways with my situation. I metaphorically “stop breathing” without even realizing it, and most assuredly, I know the Lords supplies my oxygen when I am too weak to breathe on my own. He compensates and fills my lungs with air, even as I foolishly fail to inhale at times.
This isn’t to say that I am not trying to “breathe”. I do try every day to come unto the Lord, but I know my efforts are often meager and lacking. I know I make mistakes. This is why it comforts me beyond expression to learn of compensating blessings, and to recognize that Christ supplies my oxygen, even if I haven’t been able to rise to the occasion like I used to. I think of the widow’s mite. Her offering was small, but to the Lord, she gave everything. Maybe at this stage of my life my small offerings are enough, too.
Thinking back over the last several years, I am humbled to recognize just how many compensating and enabling blessings I have been given. How on earth was I able to function as a mother of 4 young children in 2017, and then add another child in 2020? On paper it shouldn’t have been possible. So many nights I went to bed telling God I couldn’t do another day. Countless mornings I woke up with a plea for help to get through another difficult day of pain and strain. At least once a week, tears filled my eyes as I drove in my van, wondering if I was strong enough to keep going. My faith wavered more than I want to admit. Yet, I am in awe to see 5 healthy, happy children. To see my home filled with love, learning, and the Spirit of the Lord. To share this journey with my beloved husband, Brent. God’s blessings are abundant in my life.
Another compensating blessing I’ve recognized is how I was enabled to visit a chiropractor weekly for years—literally years (247 visits to be exact). After the accident, one of the few sources of help I found was through my angel chiropractor, Dr. Julie. Her office is 45 minutes (60 minutes with traffic) away from my home, but when I found her in 2019, she was able to help me when no one else could. For years I brought my young children with me to those weekly appointments (which took about 3 hours of the day). Although Dr. Julie’s treatments weren’t a permanent fix, she helped reduce or improve my debilitating symptoms for various lengths of time. She aided me with my pain levels, my vision, my brain function, and my nervous system in general. She was so patient with my kids, patient with me having to nurse in a back room during a visit or having to leave to take a toddler potty. My kids behaved better than I could’ve ever hoped for considering the circumstances. They handled those long visits like champs. Looking back, how did I find the time to go every single week? How did I find a chiropractor who was uniquely trained and experienced to help me? How was I able to view each visit as a blessing and never a burden? The answer is unequivocally found in the compensating blessings from God. He helped me to never complain about my visits or feel annoyed by it. Instead, He helped me to always feel grateful for those appointments.
Yet another gift was surviving a very difficult pregnancy in 2020 (on top of all of my brain injury symptoms), and then mothering a challenging baby. My little Charlotte did not sleep (which doesn’t mix well with Post-Concussion Syndrome), and she also had food allergies (bring on the Epi-pens and anxiety). She cried and was in discomfort 24/7 (okay, maybe I am exaggerating but that is how it felt). Somehow, I mothered her and made it through many hard days and sleepless nights amidst my brain issues. The irony is that now, Charlotte (who is 4 years old), is a distinct joy and bright spot to me every single day. She finds happiness and excitement in all the small, little things that we often miss as adults. (I feel like I used to usually see life like she does before my TBI, but now it takes a lot more effort for me to see it.) Having my sweet Charlotte at my side to help me see the joy in life is a compensating blessing, tenfold.
For example, the other day while I was cleaning out the van, she exclaimed, “Mom, look, come look, it's a miracle!" I came out to see what the miracle was, and she excitedly cried, “The bug, it was dead, but now it's alive!” (She had found a bug on its back and when she flipped it over, it began moving a little bit). She again exclaimed, “It's a miracle, Mom! He's alive!” I couldn’t help but slow down and smile at her excitement about such a small thing. I went back to cleaning my van, and a few minutes later, she again came running, "Mom, come see, come see, I found the rainbow! I found the rainbow!" So, I came to look at it in the garage, and there she showed me a tiny ray of light reflecting off metal on a bike, which created about an inch of a bit of color. Charlotte was beaming with joy as she looked at her rainbow discovery. She sees joy everywhere she goes, and her eyes give me the perspective and focus I need to find the good during the hard times. I am forever grateful for this sweet girl in my life. I am cherishing my time with her as a stay-at-home mom.
Functioning as an intentional mother is the greatest compensating blessing I have been given in this trial. Heavenly Father has enabled me to show up every day and give my kids my time and love, even on my toughest days. Only through the Lord has that been possible. At times, I know I’m falling short for my kids, and I’ve wondered how my limitations may affect them. Never have I wanted my burdens to be a burden that they would have to carry. But because of God’s mercy, I am able to see that somehow, they are not burdened by me—even with my imperfections. They are thriving and progressing, regardless of my weaknesses. They show me love, service, and gratitude, and choose to see the good in me. Sometimes they observe the fatigue and pain on my face, or notice my exhaustion at the end of the day and will ask, “Mom, are you okay? Can I help you?” They are the best kids, and I know that God is blessing them each and every day as He fills in the gaps for where I lack. His compensating blessings are prevalent in our home—both for me and for my kids.
An additional blessing that has empowered me is being able to still recognize promptings from the Holy Ghost, even though my mind is often so disoriented and muddled. It is harder for me to feel the Spirit due to the brain injury, but the Lord has given me new ways to hear His voice and guidance. He continually helps and guides me in knowing how to meet my family’s needs, and I am grateful for the inspiration He sends me in behalf of my precious children. For instance, during the last year or two, He has brought to my attention how vital it is for my kids to learn to personally recognize the Spirit in their lives. And not only that, but to become familiar on what it looks like and feels like when the Spirit communicates with them. Because of what I have experienced, I now know firsthand that how we each feel the Spirit can vary greatly for one individual to another. I have had to relearn how the Spirit communicates with me. Yes, I still receive daily promptings, but the way I feel the Spirit is quite different from before. I want to my kids to understand that the ways they can feel and experience the Spirit is unique to them, and if they practice recognizing Him, the Holy Ghost will be a gift they can always rely on for help in all ways. As their mom, I will not always be with them at school or at extracurricular activities or with friends to help them make good choices—but I know that the Spirit can be with them always to lead and guide them. So, every Sunday for the last several months, I was inspired to start a new tradition in our home to during our “Come Follow Me” lessons.
Each Sunday, I ask the entire family to share a time when they felt or noticed the Spirit that week. The first time we did this, it was like pulling teeth and took forever. Certain children complained and moaned, and they acted like it was SO hard to come up with something. But after patience, prodding, and little help from Mom and Dad—they eventually all realized a time that week when they felt or noticed the Spirit. I knew that they were feeling the Spirit every day; however, I also understand that it will take effort and time for them to become familiar with how that looks and feels in their own lives. Now that we have done this repeatedly for months, it has become a family tradition that we will never forget. The kids quickly have something to share (in fact, they are excited to share it), and we are learning things about each other that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. Experiences at school, thoughts that come, impressions they receive, steps they’ve taken because of what they have felt, choices that they are making. We are growing stronger together spiritually as a family.
Karter may share something about how he had an impression to spend more time on his scripture study each day, and what a big difference it made for him at school. Or Karoline may say that she felt the spirit guide her to sit by someone sitting alone at lunch. Tate once talked about noticing the spirit while attending a girl's baptism. Lyssa has shared how she had a thought to say “hi” to a new girl and how it made her feel really happy. Charlotte tells us about times she loves playing with her family. My husband, Brent, and I also share our experiences. Brent mentioned he had a prompting to do something for an employee at work and how it brought him joy, and I have shared with them how I woke up in the night with a person on my mind and I knew I needed to help them. I'm so grateful that the Lord directed me to start this tradition weekly in our home, because it's going to be one of my most memorable things about our Sunday family time. It is so very special and I look forward to it each week. The Spirit directed me to do it—and what a gift it has been—especially amidst my challenges and shortcomings.
I have a hunch that the people who actually take the time to listen to this podcast (or read this blog) are people going through something similar to me. People who silently suffer and are regularly battling debilitating darkness. To those individuals I ask, what compensating blessings is the Lord sending you? I promise you they are there if you look for them. I hope you take comfort (like I have) to know that the God sees the whole picture and will mercifully bless you accordingly.
I’ll end by sharing an image I had come to my mind while studying my scriptures a few months ago. As I read about Lehi’s vision of seeing people wandering in mists darkness, I had the distinct image of seeing today’s everyday people in the same complete and total darkness, searching and searching for a rod of iron that they didn’t know where or how to find. I sensed their sadness and despair, their confusion and loneliness. My heart felt heavy, and with great love, I desired to help them find the iron rod to guide them to light and hope. The Lord then impressed upon my mind that this podcast is the catalyst to make it possible for me to reach those people. I’m willing to share my demons if it means one less person is left painfully searching alone in the dark and confusion. My message is for the “too far gone,” to those who don’t know how to find God again in their lives. For people like me, who have felt so lost in darkness and fear that a rod of iron feels more like a mere idea than something tangible. I’d rather not share or expose how broken I actually am, but if it allows me to help people who are broken and afraid, I will vulnerably take them by the hand and lead them to the light and hope. I don’t have all the answers, but I will continue to try and share the lessons I learn along the way.
I trust that God understands our individual circumstances and will mercifully compensate us according to His will and timing. I pray this message brings others comfort and hope like it has for me. We are not alone in life and not forgotten. Jesus Christ wasn’t sent to earth for the whole, but for the sick. His message is one of hope and comfort. I am so grateful for Him. There are some blessings I still yearn for, but I will humbly accept God’s will in my life, and I will most graciously receive compensating blessings that I am given as I press on. I hope this for all of us.
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