Be Not Afraid, Only Believe

This is not something I had to time to do this month. December is CRAZY and I barely could keep up with all of the pressing schedules and commitments. However, earlier this month when I prayed to know what I could do to serve and give this Christmas season—the Lord asked me to share again. Part of me wanted to ask, “But do you see that I’m barely keeping up with my current state??” However, life has taught me that when I do what the Lord asks of me, He makes the impossible possible. He prepares the way.

So, my next challenge was knowing what to share. What message is so important that He needs me to act now and not wait? The answer clearly came to me (multiple times) that I am supposed to testify of Jesus Christ. Yet, I cower to do it—which breaks my heart. My witness of Jesus Christ has changed over time and I wonder how hopeful my message can be. Why is that?

I can’t testify that I feel wrapped in the arms of His love. I can’t testify that I feel to “sing the song of redeeming love.” I can’t stand before you today and say that I feel the Savior regularly comforting me. I used to frequently testify of such things, but for nearly a decade now, I haven’t experienced those feelings. I still remember my first “Girl’s Camp” testimony meeting (the young women of my church would gather each summer for a fun camp and we would always have a testimony meeting when we shared our beliefs of Christ and His gospel). I remember as a young 12-year-old girl during that meeting, feeling the most powerful, beautiful witness that I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father and that He had a great plan for my life. I felt it with my entire soul that I was loved by Him, I had a purpose, and God knew me. I felt the love of Jesus Christ. That experience changed me. My focus, choices, habits all became aligned with those feelings. I was on a team with God. I had a purpose. I was loved. 

I don’t feel those feelings anymore. I believe everything I said is true, I just can’t feel it like I used to. Which makes me wonder, how, at this time of my life, can my testimony of Christ be hopeful? I feel like I’m letting people down when I am honest. Although, I know that I’m not alone in feeling this void. It has helped me to realize that many others have experienced this—especially brain injury survivors (I read one account of a man who became an atheist after his brain injury because he could no longer feel God and another account of a woman who contemplated suicide because she no longer felt God in her life). So, maybe I do have something to share. Today, my message and witness of Jesus Christ is for people like me, who are learning to faithfully believe regardless of the outcome, who are learning to wait patiently on promised blessings unrealized. People who may not be feeling the Lord the way others do.

Do you remember the woman with the issue of blood in the New Testament? (Mark 5) I think sometimes we rush to conclude how quickly she was healed upon touching the Savior’s robe—without contemplating her prior 12 years of suffering. 12 years before being healed. 12 years of physicians’ visits and wasted money. 12 years of getting worse rather than better. I have so much compassion for her! I can relate on many levels, and I believe she didn’t wait 12 years to yearn for healing and wholeness. I believe she desired this blessing every day, of every year. She had incredible faith to wait on the Lord for such a long time. She didn’t give up and when the time was right, her faith in Christ made her whole. This woman is such an example to me of what faith looks like.

I may not feel certain “feelings” with the Savior anymore, but I choose to still BELIEVE He wraps me in the arms of His love. I believe He helps me experience His redeeming love through other means than feelings. I believe He is comforting me more than I am able to recognize. I will keep reaching to touch His robe each and every day, while humbly accepting the blessings He chooses to grant.

A few years ago, I felt compelled to study the word “believe” as found in the scriptures. Very rarely does the Lord ask us to know something, but countless times he asks for belief. From my studies, I’ve learned that “belief” is critical to enable the Lord’s arm in our lives. Ever so often His children limit His hand in their lives due to their unbelief. As I studied in the Old Testament, I was reminded of the many signs and miracles the Lord gave to the children of Israel (deliverance out of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, manna from heaven, and so on). Yet, repeatedly the children of Israel would “believe not His wondrous works” (Psalm 78:32). I also find the words interesting in Psalm 78:41 which read, “they…limited the Holy One of Israel.” Christ is limitless, but WE limit Him when we don’t believe Him. Contemplating these scriptures reminded me to remember what the Lord has done for me and to recognize His works, rather than forgetting His hand and doubting His promises. 

As I furthered my study in the New Testament, I noticed how often Christ talked about belief—he invited belief, praised belief, and reprimanded unbelief. His words are powerful and insightful. Every scripture listed below are His words—so for those who are seeking to learn from Him, it is worthwhile to read what He has to say:

“Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.” (Matt 8:13)
“Believe ye that I am able to do this?...According to your faith be it unto you.” (Matt 9:28-29)
“All things, whatsoever ye ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” (Matt 21:22)
“Be not afraid, only believe.” (Mark 5:26)
“If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” (Mark 9:23)
“What things soever you desire, when ye pray, believe that you receive them, and ye shall have them.” (Mark 11:24)
“Fear not, believe only, and she shall be made whole.” (Luke 8:50)
“O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken.” (Luke 24:25)
“Except ye see signs and wonders, ye will not believe.” (John 4:48)
“He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life.” (John 5:24)
“For had ye believed Moses, you would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if you believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?” (John 5:46-47)
“I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” (John 6:35)
“But I said unto you, that ye also have seen me, and believe not.” (John 6:36)
“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” (John 7:37-38
“…for if ye believe not that I am He, ye shall die in your sins.” (John 8:24)
“I am come a light into the world that whosever believeth on me shall not abide in darkness.” (John 12:46)
“…He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also.” (John 14:12)
“…blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” (John 20:29)

Based upon Christ’s words, my conclusion is that each and every day He is inviting me to cast away my doubt and fear and instead, only believe. It’s okay that there are things I don’t know or understand, as long as I continue believing and following Him. He is inviting me to see that He IS there, rather than focusing on the ways He doesn’t seem there. He is inviting me to trust in His words and promises, more than believing anything else. It can be hard to trust and believe when your righteous desires aren’t being fulfilled—I know that firsthand. Certain blessings I have yearned and prayed for (like feeling the Savior’s love) have not been brought to pass for me, which is why I have deeply studied “belief.” Are my faith and belief insufficient? I know there are times that I doubt. However, I find peace to know that I am blessed for trying to believe “when I have not seen.” I find strength to know that if I receive Christ and believe in Him, He will bless me with power as a daughter of God—regardless of the outcomes of my life. If I truly believe in my Savior, it means I trust in His will, His timing, His blessings.

I am not healed, and may not ever be in this life. I know there are others who carry similar burdens. But Jesus the Christ will prepare our way—His way. We can trust in His promises and His words. Several accounts in the scriptures show us how faith and belief allowed Christ to grant blessings and miracles. We can savor the strength and blessings He chooses to give as we bear our crosses.

A special blessing I have been given that has enabled me to press on, is something that has occurred in my life for over a year now. My spirit has been uniquely nourished as I listen to the words of the sacrament hymn and partake of the sacrament each Sunday. As I have mentioned before, feeling the Spirit is different for me post brain injury, but during this most precious time each Sunday—I am able to feel a bit more—an obvious feeling of peace and the Holy Ghost. A distinct feeling that the Savior is near. It is the only time of the week I am able to “feel” in this way. (I recognize the Spirit daily, but my brain injury blocks much feeling associated with the Spirit). So, to actually FEEL something special during the sacrament each week has been a sacred gift that I hold dear. I look forward to those precious minutes every Sunday. 

The longer I suffer through this trial, the more I see I can’t do it alone. Jesus Christ is helping me, whether I feel Him or not. In Him I “find pasture.” He nourishes me, protects me, and provides in a way that no other source can. He is my Shepherd. I know His voice, and He knows mine. Someday I will be whole through Him. Faith and belief require great diligence, patience, and longsuffering (as taught in Alma 32), but we are promised we will receive the fruits of our efforts—fruit which is most precious, sweet, white, and pure. I testify that as we choose to believe in and have faith in Christ’s words and teachings, we will truly find living water. He can be our light so we don’t have to abide in darkness—if we but only believe. Belief in Christ opens the windows of heaven. It instills hope. It roots us to Him. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son. I love Him. I worship Him. I trust Him. It is easier to live by faith and belief than fear and doubt. I believe.

Compensating Blessings

            After the last podcast episode, I made a commitment not to go 6 months without sharing again. Well, I kept that commitment! I went 9 months this time! Someday I’ll get this thing figured out. The reality is I am embarrassed that I keep letting so much time pass before I share again, but I’m grateful for the Lord’s patience and grace as I attempt to fulfill His admonition to continue doing this.

            I mentioned in my last episode that I have found a new source of help. I am not ready to talk about that yet, because I want to wait until I fully know the extent of the help. In a nutshell, after I last shared, I digressed pretty badly for 6 months. It was really defeating to feel hope and then to feel like I went so far backwards. This is part of the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to write/podcast for several months. It felt too heartbreaking. Thankfully, I’m doing somewhat better and there is a glimmer of hope that I am on the right track with this new treatment. In time I will share all of the details, but not today.

            I can’t help but notice the passage of time from when I woke up with a forever changed brain and life. November will mark 8 years. 8 years is a long, long time. If someone told me beforehand what I would go through for nearly a decade—I would’ve said there is absolutely no I way I could do it. To have my feelings and mind distorted, to endure daily physical pain and strain, to mother 5 children, to go to bed wondering if I could make it through another day, to no longer be able to feel God’s love—I would’ve considered it impossible. Yet, here I am, and through God’s compensating blessings, I am still putting one foot in front of the other.

            I hadn’t heard the phrase, “compensating blessings” until this year while listening to a message given by Bishop Gerald Causse. His words were like salve to a stinging wound in my soul. Never had I heard God’s mercy described in such a way. Bishop Causse explained how “…when circumstances beyond our control prevent us from fulfilling the righteous desire of our hearts, the Lord will compensate in ways that allow us to receive His promised blessings.” He also quoted Elder Maxwell who taught, “God…takes into merciful account not only our desires and performance, but also the degrees of difficulty which our varied circumstances impose upon us.”

            I cried when I heard Bishop Causse share this. To hear that the Lord will mercifully compensate me for where I lack brings me such needed comfort and hope. I’ve often felt guilty that I don’t feel as spiritually strong as I used to. Guilty that I am falling short far more than I used to. But to know that God takes into account the entire picture of my situation, and that He will send me His compensating blessings as I continue to try and fail, and try and fail, has provided healing to my broken soul. Yes, I was able to do more prior to my injury, but I was in a stage of life where my brain functioned correctly. I’m realizing that it’s okay if my best looks different from 10 years ago.

            About a month ago, my 15-year-old son bore a powerful testimony during church. He mentioned how when life or temptations make it hard to breathe, he turns to his scriptures and he feels as though an oxygen tank is sitting next to him, allowing him to breathe again. Oh, how true is words are in my own life! I also have contemplated this analogy in other ways with my situation. I metaphorically “stop breathing” without even realizing it, and most assuredly, I know the Lords supplies my oxygen when I am too weak to breathe on my own. He compensates and fills my lungs with air, even as I foolishly fail to inhale at times.

            This isn’t to say that I am not trying to “breathe”. I do try every day to come unto the Lord, but I know my efforts are often meager and lacking. I know I make mistakes. This is why it comforts me beyond expression to learn of compensating blessings, and to recognize that Christ supplies my oxygen, even if I haven’t been able to rise to the occasion like I used to. I think of the widow’s mite. Her offering was small, but to the Lord, she gave everything. Maybe at this stage of my life my small offerings are enough, too.

            Thinking back over the last several years, I am humbled to recognize just how many compensating and enabling blessings I have been given. How on earth was I able to function as a mother of 4 young children in 2017, and then add another child in 2020? On paper it shouldn’t have been possible. So many nights I went to bed telling God I couldn’t do another day. Countless mornings I woke up with a plea for help to get through another difficult day of pain and strain. At least once a week, tears filled my eyes as I drove in my van, wondering if I was strong enough to keep going. My faith wavered more than I want to admit. Yet, I am in awe to see 5 healthy, happy children. To see my home filled with love, learning, and the Spirit of the Lord. To share this journey with my beloved husband, Brent. God’s blessings are abundant in my life.

            Another compensating blessing I’ve recognized is how I was enabled to visit a chiropractor weekly for years—literally years (247 visits to be exact). After the accident, one of the few sources of help I found was through my angel chiropractor, Dr. Julie. Her office is 45 minutes (60 minutes with traffic) away from my home, but when I found her in 2019, she was able to help me when no one else could. For years I brought my young children with me to those weekly appointments (which took about 3 hours of the day). Although Dr. Julie’s treatments weren’t a permanent fix, she helped reduce or improve my debilitating symptoms for various lengths of time. She aided me with my pain levels, my vision, my brain function, and my nervous system in general. She was so patient with my kids, patient with me having to nurse in a back room during a visit or having to leave to take a toddler potty. My kids behaved better than I could’ve ever hoped for considering the circumstances. They handled those long visits like champs. Looking back, how did I find the time to go every single week? How did I find a chiropractor who was uniquely trained and experienced to help me? How was I able to view each visit as a blessing and never a burden? The answer is unequivocally found in the compensating blessings from God. He helped me to never complain about my visits or feel annoyed by it. Instead, He helped me to always feel grateful for those appointments.

Yet another gift was surviving a very difficult pregnancy in 2020 (on top of all of my brain injury symptoms), and then mothering a challenging baby. My little Charlotte did not sleep (which doesn’t mix well with Post-Concussion Syndrome), and she also had food allergies (bring on the Epi-pens and anxiety). She cried and was in discomfort 24/7 (okay, maybe I am exaggerating but that is how it felt). Somehow, I mothered her and made it through many hard days and sleepless nights amidst my brain issues. The irony is that now, Charlotte (who is 4 years old), is a distinct joy and bright spot to me every single day. She finds happiness and excitement in all the small, little things that we often miss as adults. (I feel like I used to usually see life like she does before my TBI, but now it takes a lot more effort for me to see it.) Having my sweet Charlotte at my side to help me see the joy in life is a compensating blessing, tenfold.

For example, the other day while I was cleaning out the van, she exclaimed, “Mom, look, come look, it's a miracle!" I came out to see what the miracle was, and she excitedly cried, “The bug, it was dead, but now it's alive!” (She had found a bug on its back and when she flipped it over, it began moving a little bit). She again exclaimed, “It's a miracle, Mom! He's alive!” I couldn’t help but slow down and smile at her excitement about such a small thing. I went back to cleaning my van, and a few minutes later, she again came running, "Mom, come see, come see, I found the rainbow! I found the rainbow!" So, I came to look at it in the garage, and there she showed me a tiny ray of light reflecting off metal on a bike, which created about an inch of a bit of color. Charlotte was beaming with joy as she looked at her rainbow discovery. She sees joy everywhere she goes, and her eyes give me the perspective and focus I need to find the good during the hard times. I am forever grateful for this sweet girl in my life. I am cherishing my time with her as a stay-at-home mom.

            Functioning as an intentional mother is the greatest compensating blessing I have been given in this trial. Heavenly Father has enabled me to show up every day and give my kids my time and love, even on my toughest days. Only through the Lord has that been possible. At times, I know I’m falling short for my kids, and I’ve wondered how my limitations may affect them. Never have I wanted my burdens to be a burden that they would have to carry. But because of God’s mercy, I am able to see that somehow, they are not burdened by me—even with my imperfections. They are thriving and progressing, regardless of my weaknesses. They show me love, service, and gratitude, and choose to see the good in me. Sometimes they observe the fatigue and pain on my face, or notice my exhaustion at the end of the day and will ask, “Mom, are you okay? Can I help you?” They are the best kids, and I know that God is blessing them each and every day as He fills in the gaps for where I lack. His compensating blessings are prevalent in our home—both for me and for my kids.

An additional blessing that has empowered me is being able to still recognize promptings from the Holy Ghost, even though my mind is often so disoriented and muddled. It is harder for me to feel the Spirit due to the brain injury, but the Lord has given me new ways to hear His voice and guidance. He continually helps and guides me in knowing how to meet my family’s needs, and I am grateful for the inspiration He sends me in behalf of my precious children.  For instance, during the last year or two, He has brought to my attention how vital it is for my kids to learn to personally recognize the Spirit in their lives. And not only that, but to become familiar on what it looks like and feels like when the Spirit communicates with them. Because of what I have experienced, I now know firsthand that how we each feel the Spirit can vary greatly for one individual to another. I have had to relearn how the Spirit communicates with me. Yes, I still receive daily promptings, but the way I feel the Spirit is quite different from before. I want to my kids to understand that the ways they can feel and experience the Spirit is unique to them, and if they practice recognizing Him, the Holy Ghost will be a gift they can always rely on for help in all ways. As their mom, I will not always be with them at school or at extracurricular activities or with friends to help them make good choices—but I know that the Spirit can be with them always to lead and guide them. So, every Sunday for the last several months, I was inspired to start a new tradition in our home to during our “Come Follow Me” lessons.

Each Sunday, I ask the entire family to share a time when they felt or noticed the Spirit that week. The first time we did this, it was like pulling teeth and took forever. Certain children complained and moaned, and they acted like it was SO hard to come up with something. But after patience, prodding, and little help from Mom and Dad—they eventually all realized a time that week when they felt or noticed the Spirit. I knew that they were feeling the Spirit every day; however, I also understand that it will take effort and time for them to become familiar with how that looks and feels in their own lives. Now that we have done this repeatedly for months, it has become a family tradition that we will never forget. The kids quickly have something to share (in fact, they are excited to share it), and we are learning things about each other that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. Experiences at school, thoughts that come, impressions they receive, steps they’ve taken because of what they have felt, choices that they are making. We are growing stronger together spiritually as a family.

Karter may share something about how he had an impression to spend more time on his scripture study each day, and what a big difference it made for him at school. Or Karoline may say that she felt the spirit guide her to sit by someone sitting alone at lunch. Tate once talked about noticing the spirit while attending a girl's baptism. Lyssa has shared how she had a thought to say “hi” to a new girl and how it made her feel really happy. Charlotte tells us about times she loves playing with her family. My husband, Brent, and I also share our experiences. Brent mentioned he had a prompting to do something for an employee at work and how it brought him joy, and I have shared with them how I woke up in the night with a person on my mind and I knew I needed to help them. I'm so grateful that the Lord directed me to start this tradition weekly in our home, because it's going to be one of my most memorable things about our Sunday family time. It is so very special and I look forward to it each week. The Spirit directed me to do it—and what a gift it has been—especially amidst my challenges and shortcomings.

            I have a hunch that the people who actually take the time to listen to this podcast (or read this blog) are people going through something similar to me. People who silently suffer and are regularly battling debilitating darkness. To those individuals I ask, what compensating blessings is the Lord sending you? I promise you they are there if you look for them. I hope you take comfort (like I have) to know that the God sees the whole picture and will mercifully bless you accordingly.

            I’ll end by sharing an image I had come to my mind while studying my scriptures a few months ago. As I read about Lehi’s vision of seeing people wandering in mists darkness, I had the distinct image of seeing today’s everyday people in the same complete and total darkness, searching and searching for a rod of iron that they didn’t know where or how to find. I sensed their sadness and despair, their confusion and loneliness. My heart felt heavy, and with great love, I desired to help them find the iron rod to guide them to light and hope. The Lord then impressed upon my mind that this podcast is the catalyst to make it possible for me to reach those people. I’m willing to share my demons if it means one less person is left painfully searching alone in the dark and confusion. My message is for the “too far gone,” to those who don’t know how to find God again in their lives. For people like me, who have felt so lost in darkness and fear that a rod of iron feels more like a mere idea than something tangible. I’d rather not share or expose how broken I actually am, but if it allows me to help people who are broken and afraid, I will vulnerably take them by the hand and lead them to the light and hope. I don’t have all the answers, but I will continue to try and share the lessons I learn along the way.

            I trust that God understands our individual circumstances and will mercifully compensate us according to His will and timing. I pray this message brings others comfort and hope like it has for me. We are not alone in life and not forgotten. Jesus Christ wasn’t sent to earth for the whole, but for the sick. His message is one of hope and comfort. I am so grateful for Him. There are some blessings I still yearn for, but I will humbly accept God’s will in my life, and I will most graciously receive compensating blessings that I am given as I press on. I hope this for all of us. 

ReplyForward You can't react with an emoji to a group