Ya’ll, I’m not good at being consistent with this podcast! I think I secretly hope that I can stop doing it and all will be forgotten—but whether I like it or not, that hasn’t been the case. Whenever I am in a spiritual setting, the Lord admonishes me to keep sharing. So, I’m trying to do better at submitting to His will. I’ll attempt to not let 6 months go by again without sharing.
I’ve determined that if I’m doing this podcast, I’m keeping it real. Having already shared so much that makes me uncomfortable, I realize it would be silly to try to backpedal at this point. So, you will continue to get the good, the bad, the ugly. :) But in all seriousness, the truth is, these topics are emotionally sensitive for me to talk about, and hopefully I will get stronger over time as I continue sharing. With that said, I’m now over 7 years post brain injury, and while I continue to find sources of help in my life, I still live daily with some of my post-concussion syndrome symptoms and weaknesses.
To be honest, I’ve often felt ashamed with how weak I feel in this trial (admittedly I still battle with this sometimes). For years I wondered why I couldn’t be tougher, stronger—like the old Erica. Even when I was doing all I could to turn to God and follow Him, I still felt embarrassingly weak. I didn’t feel as capable as a mother, as a friend, in my church calling, in daily tasks, in my hobbies, in running my home, and in my spiritual well-being. Every part of me felt weak. EVERY PART. And it drove me mad. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand me.
Yes, prior to my fall, I had felt weak at various times in my life, but I hadn’t yet tasted of this type of weakness. Weakness that blurs and distorts. That confuses. That suffocates. That crushes your brain. The panic attacks, the nightmares, the years of chronic pain. The inability to feel God’s love. Weakness that relentlessly attacks your faith. Bouts of depression that strangle your heart.
Ironically, 2 months prior to my fall, I wrote a blog post entitled, “It is Okay to Feel Weak.” I forgot I even wrote it, until recently, the Spirit prompted me to look at the posts I wrote leading up to my accident. When I came across this particular blog post, the title alone caught me off guard. Did I really write that? Did I really once believe that it is okay for me to feel weak? With how much I’ve struggled with the insecurity of being weak for so many years now, it is hard to believe I wrote such a message. Yet, I can see how I was inspired by God to write it—to prepare me to face extreme weakness of the greatest measures for the years ahead.
I see how I greatly need this message again, here and now in 2024. Heavenly Father wants me to relearn the important truth that it really is okay to feel weak. To remember that God does not look down upon my weaknesses. He wanted me to read this old blog post again and remember the scripture I shared in Ether 12:27, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” What an important promise to remember! Not just for me but for all of us—that the Lord’s grace is sufficient. As we humbly come unto Him, in faith, we are promised that in time, weak things will become strong.
I’ve spent time the past few months pondering what that line means for me—“then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Because for my personal situation the “weak things” in my life usually don’t feel like strengths. And I know that even when we turn to the Lord whole-heartedly, our weaknesses may not be removed, similar to the apostle Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.” If we remember, Paul asked three times for his thorn to be removed and the Lord answered, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Paul goes on to write, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Paul’s words are amazing to me. He was content knowing that Christ’s grace was sufficient for him. He accepted that his thorn would not be removed. And ultimately, he saw how in his weaknesses, he was strong, because of Christ. I hope one day I can have the same mindset as him as I persist living with my afflictions (like he did). His experience is similar to what Jacob explained in Jacob 4:7, “Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things.”
Here is what I am realizing: I can be weak and strong at the same time. Yes, I am weak, on more levels than people can understand. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord is strong—perfectly strong—on more levels than people can understand. So, what does that mean for me? It means that because God is strong, I have no reason to fear my weaknesses; because at the end of the day, I will always be okay due to God’s strength. His strength will make up for where I lack. When I think about all the areas I struggle in, it truly is a miracle that I am where I am today. God enables me every single day. He has made my life something that shouldn’t’ have been possible.
100% it is by God’s grace that I am a functional mother, enabling me to serve my kids and meet their needs every single day. It is by His grace that I am able to accomplish much each week. It is by His strength that I have been able to hold onto my faith amid so much mental and spiritual confusion and frustration. 100% it is by His strength I’m even doing this podcast. I don’t like doing it, and I often feel too weak and inadequate to do it. But the Lord has different plans for me. He gives me power to do it, and I trust He will enable me in my weakness.
I now know (more than ever), that I am not the only one who deeply suffers with weakness. The more I share, the more people reach out to me sharing their own stories and weaknesses, their own struggles in their faith. So many of us are weak! But I hope we can all recognize that it is okay to feel this way. We don’t have to be alone in our weakness. Not only because of our fellow suffering brothers and sisters, but because Jesus Christ knows better than any of us what it means to feel weak. He will make up for the difference for each of us. His strength is sufficient if we follow Him and rely on Him.
From personal experience, I know this doesn’t mean that finding God’s strength amidst weakness is instant or a quick fix. It isn’t like pushing a magic button, and immediately receiving help in the exact way I think I need it; rather, it is an assurance that God’s strength will enable me along the journey of life. Most often, I find God’s strength bit by bit, day by day, discovering His needed blessings along the way as I also give my best efforts. Amidst my weaknesses, I am led to resources of strength to help me and enable me. I may be strengthened through a friend reaching out, words of a prophet, an opportunity to serve, revelation received in an hour of need, studying my scriptures, an important prompting to act upon, the support of my husband, the love of my children, comfort from the Lord, an added measure of energy at home, or finding the right doctor. Strength is given to me as I try my best, and trust that the Lord will take care of the rest. It does take effort on my part, day in and day out to come closer to Christ and partake of the blessings of strength He stands ready to give. But it is always worth the effort.
Over time, I’ve observed how my actions and desires really can make a big difference in relation to the strength I am blessed with from God. About a month ago, when I was studying my scriptures in 3 Nephi 17, I pondered something I hadn’t noticed before. Christ had just visited with the people in America, and He told them it was time for Him to go. But He noticed how the people were in tears, looking steadfastly upon Him, as if they were asking him to tarry a little longer. He felt great compassion and mercy for them, as He perceived their faithful desires and discerned how they yearned for Him to stay. He then chose to stay with them much longer than originally stated. Therefore, His additional time with them invited so many more miracles and blessings for the people—He healed their sick and afflicted, prayed aloud intensely for them to the Father, and blessed their little children one by one. It was truly a miraculous experience for everyone involved, to the point that the people were overcome with joy. They had never seen, nor heard, nor witnessed such miracles. I wonder, what if the people hadn’t longed for Him to stay? What would they have missed out on? How many possible blessings and miracles missed? Their examples inspire me to faithfully seek after and desire Christ in the same way. They desired for Him to stay, and His additional time with them was beautiful.
I believe their experience can be ours—in the aspect that the more we faithfully seek after Christ, desire Him, and come unto Him whole-heartedly, the more blessings and miracles He will bring about in our lives, even more so than now. “Ask and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”(3 Nephi 27:29) This is a very real promise that can open the powers of the heavens for each of us, individually. I really want to seek after Christ more intently, trusting in His promised blessings—a true covenant relationship to rely on that will enable me in my weakness. Who knows what additional blessings He stands ready to impart, if we but faithfully desire and come unto Him?
I feel prompted to share an experience I had when I found strength last year, in April 2023. With my brain fog in full swing, I remember listening to a talk given during general conference by Elder David A. Bednar titled, “Abide in Me and I in You, Therefore Walk with Me.” As I tried not to physically watch the TV as much as possible to spare my brain, suddenly the Spirit sharpened my senses and I felt admonished to carefully listen and to look at the screen. I turned and looked at Elder Bednar. He was talking to ME. It was as if he was looking directly into my soul. He talked about Enoch, a prophet from the Old Testament, who was instrumental in the Lord’s work. Elder Bednar explained how when Enoch was called to serve the Lord, Enoch bowed himself to the earth and prayed, “Why is it that I have found favor in thy sight, and am but a lad, and all the people hate me; for I am slow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?” (Moses 6:31)
How many of us feel similar to Enoch?! I know I do. I can’t even begin to explain how closely related I feel to Enoch’s story. Regarding Enoch’s prayer, Elder Bednar noted, “Please notice that at the time of Enoch’s call to serve, he became acutely aware of his personal inadequacies and limitations. And I suspect all of us at one time or another in our Church service have felt much like Enoch. But I believe the Lord’s response to Enoch’s pleading question is instructive and applies to each of us today.”
Elder Bednar is basically telling us to listen up, because at some point all of us have felt like Enoch, and God’s response to Him is for all of us as well, “And the Lord said unto Enoch: Go forth and do as I have commanded thee, and no man shall pierce thee. Open thy mouth, and it shall be filled, and I will give thee utterance…
“Behold my Spirit is upon you, wherefore all thy words will I justify; and the mountains shall flee before you, and the rivers shall turn from their course; and thou shalt abide in me, and I in you; therefore walk with me.”
When I heard Elder Bednar say this, the Spirit confirmed the truth that the Lord’s response to Enoch was indeed applicable to me, and to anyone who obediently answers the Lord’s call to follow Him. I felt comfort, confidence, and hope that as I walked with Christ, mountains would flee and rivers would turn their course.
Elder Bednar continued to speak (he had my total attention at this point), “Enoch ultimately became a mighty prophet and a tool in God’s hands to accomplish a great work, but he did not start his ministry that way! Rather, his capacity over time was magnified as he learned to abide in and walk with the Son of God.”
Through the mouth of His servant, I knew that the Lord was sending me an individual invitation—to learn to abide in and walk with the Son of God, regardless of how weak I felt. Elder Bednar’s message couldn’t have been timelier for me at that time of my life. I’ve studied this talk repeatedly since then, because I truly feel it was written just for me. I encourage all my listeners to read it! His counsel on how to abide in Christ, walk with Him, and move forward in faith, even in great weakness, guides me to this day. If you are unsure about what it means to abide in Christ, Elder Bednar’s talk is such a helpful resource on how to get started.
Elder Bednar closed his talk by saying, “Some Church members accept as true the doctrine, principles, and testimonies proclaimed repeatedly from this pulpit in the Conference Center and in local congregations around the world—and yet may struggle to believe these eternal truths apply specifically in their lives and to their circumstances. They believe sincerely and serve dutifully, but their covenant connection with the Father and His redeeming Son has not yet become a living and transforming reality in their lives.
“I promise that by the power of the Holy Ghost, you can know and feel the gospel truths I have attempted to describe are for you—for you individually and personally.”
At this point of Elder Bednar’s message, tears were running down my cheeks. How did he know? How did he know how much I struggled to believe that these principles could be true for me? I determined to faithfully believe in his apostolic promise—that I would come to know and feel that the gospel truths are for me, individually and personally. Again, I encourage all to study this talk, because the steps Elder Bednar gives have been a lifeline for me to heed and follow.
We each are called of God to fulfill an individual, divine purpose. Regardless of our inadequacy and weakness, He calls us and beckons us to come, follow Him. May we choose to accept the invitation and discover what He has in store for our lives—specific blessings I believe we will hardly be able to contain.
I thank Heavenly Father for sending me a message about weakness before I fell. I’m grateful He reminded me recently to re-study it at this time of my life. Yes, I am weak in so many, many ways, but God is strong, which means I can be okay, and so can you, regardless of our weakness.
I have to end by quickly sharing some really huge news—definitely a new blessing of strength I have been given in the last few months. I found a new doctor in Chicago who is helping me. I don’t want to speak too soon, but I have found more relief and help in the last few months than I have found in many, many years. Likely in my next podcast episode, I will share all the details of this miracle. Until next time!