When All Darkness Gathers In

Death. Infertility. Miscarriage. Loss of a child. Depression. Cancer. Divorce. Unmarried. Abuse. Disabilities. Anxiety. Child who strays. Job loss. Financial burden. Poor health. Obesity. Marital Problems. Betrayal. Physical pain. Losing the faith. Suicidal thoughts. Infidelity. Illness. Brain damage. Stroke. Addiction. Widowed/Widower. Failure. 

Every word listed above affects people who are dear friends to me—people who are close to my heart. I am sure many of you could say the same. Unsurprisingly, most of us have had first-hand experience with something on that list, including me. Life brings sorrows, pains, and trials that test us to the very core. Each trial varies in its difficulty; nevertheless, each brings unique suffering and struggle to the receiver. Five years ago, I experienced my own devastating trial.

The Phone Call

I will never forget it—that awful phone call. It was a typical June day, hanging out with my cute toddler in our little apartment. The scorching, humid weather of northern Virginia kept us inside, especially because I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child. My cell rang and I answered to my sister, Sydnie. She said I needed to pray for Kj, our 16-year-old brother. She didn’t have any specific details yet, but she knew it involved a waterfall at Boy Scout Camp, and Kj needed to be life-flighted.

After I hung up, my heart and mind raced. Maybe Kj was in a hospital with a flurry of doctors surrounding him? Did he hit his head? Break a bone? Was he paralyzed? Possible brain damage? I earnestly prayed that his injuries were minimal. When could I talk to him? I hoped it wouldn’t be long. I imagined sitting next to his hospital bed while he told me his story. What a crazy story he would have to tell! I then wondered if his injuries would affect his sports. I continued to create scenarios of his condition, but I honestly never imagined what I was told when Sydnie called again. She was crying, “Kj is dead.”

Dark Days

Those horrible words caught me completely off guard. I cried out in pure panic and asked hysterically, “How do you know? How do you know?! Did a doctor give up on him? Wasn’t there a way to revive him? Who made the call to quit trying?” My sister didn’t have any answers, but she knew he was for sure, gone. I collapsed to my couch, shaking and sobbing. My little brother was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change that. The next slap in the face came when it dawned on me—I couldn’t go to his funeral. Because I was so far along in my pregnancy, I couldn’t fly out to Utah. I couldn’t go see him one last time. I couldn’t be with my family and grieve. These realizations further stabbed my already broken heart.

The following days were very, very dark for me; days that I don’t like to remember. My world was shattered and I was about to have a baby. My sweet husband took over all of my “mom duties,” while in the mean time, I crawled into a hole of grief and pain. Oh, how I missed my brother! I hated that the last time I saw him was during Christmastime (6 months before his death). I wanted so badly to be with my family and attend his funeral.

Generally, I am a happy and outgoing person. But during those dark days, I felt totally the opposite—sad and introverted. If a visitor came, I pretended to be taking a nap in my room—making myself unavailable. I attended church sacrament meeting and left during the closing prayer so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. If I had to leave the apartment, I saw the world in numbness. I honestly wondered if I would ever be happy again. I didn’t smile. If someone called or texted, I didn’t respond.

To make matters worse, I begged and pleaded to the Lord for help—but, to no avail. I did NOT want to be feeling so depressed; yet, no matter how hard I prayed, I felt completely alone and filled with pain. It was as if the Lord had abandoned me.  I’ve never felt so alone.

I couldn't see His hand, but trusted He was there

How would I be able to mother two children in such a terrible condition? I was barely keeping up with my toddler. I felt awfully weak and lifeless, how could I deliver a baby? Even though these fearful questions crossed my mind, I chose to cling to my faith. Past experience taught me to, “trust in the Lord with all thine heart (Proverbs 3:5),” and so I did. Please Heavenly Father, provide a way, because I definitely can’t see it. Please help me. My unwanted feelings of solitude remained, but thank goodness I didn’t give up.

When we face such despairing moments, Dieter F. Uchtdorf offers this beautiful counsel,

“And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”

Similarly, David S. Baxter teaches,

“At these moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced.  Prayer is ignored at the very hour when it needs to be intensified.  Virtue is carelessly tossed aside when it needs to be cherished.  God is forsaken in the all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us…The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only hope is to hold fast to that which is good.  As the mists of darkness gather around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod.”

What a blessing to know that the Son of God pierces all darkness and softens all sorrows! In moments of crisis, we must embrace our faith in Christ, even if we can’t see the end from the beginning. As I suffered the loss of my brother, I am so grateful that I relied upon my Savior. I clung to the iron rod and prayed earnestly. I held on to the only One who had the power of deliverance, even Jesus Christ. I could not see His hand, but I trusted He was there.

Deliverance

The night before Kj’s funeral, I was restless and couldn’t sleep. The truth is I hadn’t slept much in the last four days. I felt beyond tired and extremely depleted. My head hurt from all the tears, and my eyes were practically swollen shut. I tossed and turned, until suddenly, (at roughly 2 am) I felt a contraction. Could this be it? I moved around the apartment and felt another contraction. Was my baby girl coming? I took a shower and the contractions kept coming.

I do not know how to adequately describe what happened next. Tears are running down my cheeks as I think about it. Christ swept in. He took over. The darkness, the pain, the worry, the anguish, the fatigue…the Lord lifted it. He delivered me from the darkness. I felt a LITERAL, physical, emotional, and mental lift of my burdens. I am here to testify—with all the power that I can muster—that Jesus Christ’s atonement is real and magnificent. I experienced His deliverance first-hand and cannot deny what took place that night.

Jeffrey R. Holland’s testimony describes my experience,

“I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair…There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.”

I found strength far beyond my own. Christ provided the way.

A Miracle

As my husband and I drove to the hospital that night, my heart was filled with gratitude, peace, hope, and love. My Savior was carrying me in every way possible. A special calm enveloped my soul. I also felt my brother near, and I know he was involved in the details of that night and the following morning.

Miraculously, I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby girl just before Kj’s funeral started, on June 25^th, 2012. Tears streamed down my weary face as I held her in my arms. The Spirit filled the delivery room—for we were in a holy place. What a precious blessing to hold her after losing my brother! She came at the exact time I needed her. Indeed, she was a direct gift from my loving Heavenly Father.

Throughout my hospital stay, I continued to feel astounding peace, hope, and love. I felt close to Kj, and of his awareness of me and my new baby. Normally, after giving birth I am totally wiped out, but not this time. Jesus Christ continued to sustain me with His grace and enabling power.

The news of my daughter’s arrival gently blessed many broken hearts, especially amongst my family. My husband and I chose to name our baby Karoline Janae, giving her the same initials as her Uncle Kj. Karoline’s timely birth is a testament that God is involved in the details of our lives.

Why?

I have spent time pondering why the Savior didn’t immediately take my pain, even when I turned to Him so earnestly. Why did He allow me to suffer for several days? Why did I have to feel completely alone?

Over the years, many answers have come to those questions. Three main reasons stand out to me the most.

First, suffering can refine and strengthen us.

I better understand this principle now that I am a parent. Recently, I took my toddler to the Emergency Room. It killed me to watch while the nurses performed their painful tests. With each poke, I winced for him. Even though it was terribly painful to allow this suffering, I knew it was for the best…it was the only way to help him. My son quizzically looked at me as he screamed and cried. I’m sure he was wondering why I wasn’t freeing him from this terrifying experience. However, I knew these “pains” would ultimately help him. I sought to comfort him the best I could, but I still allowed his suffering.

Likewise, at times God allows us to suffer because He sees the end from the beginning. Sometimes the suffering will be lifted, but sometimes it won’t. There is great growth that can occur through difficult trials and testing. We must trust in the Lord as we journey through mortality. If we choose so, our trials can be for our good and we will come out triumphant. Just because we are suffering, does NOT mean God isn’t aware of every single second of pain. When my son was in the hospital, every pain he went through mattered to me. Because I loved him so much, I had to allow his suffering in order to help him properly. I know the Lord feels the same way for us. He will never forsake us, even if we are allowed to suffer.

Orson F. Whitney put it this way,

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”

I now see that because of the pains I experienced after Kj died, I have far more compassion and empathy for others who suffer. My testimony of Christ’s amazing grace is stronger, and my reliance upon Him has increased. I am less judgmental of other’s situations. I better recognize my need to accept service from others. I learned I am nothing without Christ. I see how much I desperately need His atonement.

Secondly, I have discovered that suffering enables us to witness and experience God’s goodness.

If Christ had immediately taken my burden, I wouldn’t have appreciated or recognized His magnificent hand like I did. Doctrine and Covenants 29:39 reveals this truth, “…if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet—.” I needed to know the bitter so I could rejoice in the sweet.

What if we never allowed our children to learn to walk, and instead, always held them? What if we gave them everything they wanted, when they wanted it? What if we celebrated birthdays every day of the year? What if we went up to bat for them in their ball games? What if we did their homework for them? Obviously, If we did all of these things, our children wouldn’t know gratitude, hard work, success, joy, independence, perseverance, excitement, love, and so on.

As parents, it is easy for us to see that our children’s challenges and struggles help them grow and become stronger. It enables them to find happiness and success. Undeniably, these same principles apply to each of us as we face the difficulties of life.

Of course, we do not go looking for pain and suffering (If I had it my way, Kj would still be here). And most often we don’t get to choose our trials (unless we bring them upon ourselves through poor choices). Nonetheless, when suffering does come—as we all know it will, we can respond in a positive or negative way. The choice is ours. I am grateful for what I have learned through my harrowing trial, even though it has meant a great deal of pain. I am a better person because of it. I miss Kj terribly, but I trust in God’s perfect plan for His children.

Third, through faithful suffering, we can stand as witnesses of Christ.

Ether 12:6 teaches, “I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

There will be times in life when we cannot see, and we wonder, why me? But if we press on in hope and faith, our eyes eventually will be opened to understand. Ironically, oftentimes the suffering itself is what gives us the understanding we seek.  And once we gain that light and education, we then have the opportunity to be witnesses for Jesus Christ.

In Mosiah 24:14 we read, “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”

This verse holds a special place in my heart, because it is so applicable to how I feel. I know my burden has been lightened so I can stand as a witness for Christ. Nothing brings me greater joy than seeing others come to know their Savior. So, I pray that my witness will help others find Christ the way I did. The blessing of standing as a witness has helped in my healing process, and has helped me to find joy amidst my trial.

Additionally, I am greatly uplifted and strengthened by the witness of others. I find encouragement in my own problems when I see a young mother fight cancer, with her faith centered in Christ. Or to see my parents, after losing their only son, press forward and choose Christ, powerfully touches me. I’ll never forget the man who stuttered terribly, but still chose to testify of Christ at the pulpit. My sweet husband lost his mom to cancer at the age of 16, and I’m continually inspired by his Christ-like example. And to see a dear friend lose her first-born and suffer post-partum depression, but still hold onto the Savior, is a special witness to me. For you see, as we turn to Christ through our sufferings, we stand as witnesses of Christ to each other. And by doing that, we are able to serve and uplift one another, becoming stronger and stronger in our unified faith. It truly is a beautiful thing. We are one in Christ as we stand as His witnesses.

Conclusion

Mercifully, the days that followed my daughter’s birth were just as sweet and full of awe. How could I be feeling so light after losing my only brother? The answer is, and always will be, Jesus Christ. Mothering two was easier than it should’ve been. I felt increased patience with all the demands of mothering. My soul was peaceful and without turmoil. Of course, I still cried tears about Kj’s death and missed him with my whole heart (I still do); BUT, the “gloom and doom” was gone. I was able to miss him without the darkness. Because of Christ, I could miss him without feeling despair. And guess what? I STILL feel this way. Kj’s death is still a very real and sad thing in my life, but I am humbly grateful I can cry and miss him without feeling dark despair. Five years later, Christ’s atonement is a precious gift that keeps on giving.

A beautiful truth about our Savior’s loving atonement is that ALL can have the same outcome I experienced, regardless of the reason of suffering. Jesus Christ can make our burdens light and bring peace to our hearts. In our darkest moments He is there, even if we don’t see Him. He can heal us. It may not be immediate, but His promises hold true. In Matthew 11:28, Christ kindly invites us to, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

I bear my unwavering witness that Jesus Christ lives. He will never forsake us. If we choose Him, He will sustain us in our sufferings. If we choose Him, every battle we face can bring growth and an increased ability to feel joy. If we choose Him, we have the privilege of standing as His witnesses. If we choose Him, we will find healing and happiness as we bless and uplift each other. I will be forever grateful to my Redeemer for His amazing grace. In my darkest hour, He blessed me with His love and light, and I know He can do the same for all of us.

1. Jesus, the very thought of thee

With sweetness fills my breast;

But sweeter far thy face to see

And in thy presence rest.

2. Nor voice can sing, nor heart can frame,

Nor can the mem'ry find

A sweeter sound than thy blest name,

O Savior of mankind!

3. O hope of ev'ry contrite heart,

O joy of all the meek,

To those who fall, how kind thou art!

How good to those who seek!

4. Jesus, our only joy be thou,

As thou our prize wilt be;

Jesus, be thou our glory now,

And thru eternity.

(“Jesus the Very Thought of Thee”. Hymnal, p. 141. Text: Attr. to Bernard of Clairvaux, ca. 1091-1153; trans. by Edward Caswall, 1814-1878)

Details about Kj and his Death

On October 20^th, 1995, Kj was born into our large family. My four sisters and I were beyond excited to have a baby brother…finally! My parents were also thrilled to have a son after five daughters. We needed Kj, and he changed our family forever.

I loved holding Kj as a baby, playing sword fights with him when he was a toddler, sleeping out on the trampoline when he was a kid, and sharing a friendship when he was a pre-teen and teen. We went on bike rides and walks, floated the canal, threw a baseball in the backyard, made huts, played Nintendo, planned Family Home Evening together, read scriptures together, rented movies, made movies…the list could go on and on. He was my friend. He was one to say, “I love you”—he regularly showed his love to my family. Kj told the funniest stories, and could make me and my sisters laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe.

Kj was a friend to the “new kid” and left people better than he found them. He stood up for right and was a positive example to many. He found the good in life and in people. He often talked about how he just wanted to skip high school and serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His spiritual maturity was well beyond his years.

He loved sports (especially baseball), and as a Sophomore, he helped his Varsity baseball team win the State Championship. He also loved the outdoors—camping, fishing, hunting, and hiking. Four short weeks after winning the State Championship, Kj left with his scout troop to Havasupai in Arizona.

On June 20^th, 2012, a group of boy scouts (including Kj) and leaders swam in Havasu Falls before lunch. No danger lurked and they had a blast. They met as a troop to each lunch, and then a group went ahead to Mooney Falls.

Upon arrival, Kj waded into the 5 ft. deep water. He swam just to the right of the main falls, and immediately got trapped in a strong current that pulled him under. He swam hard, struggling in the whitewater. He called for help saying that he couldn't breathe. Person #1 (excluding names for privacy) moved toward him, but couldn't reach him, so he jumped in. The current was so strong it pulled the shoes off Person #1’s feet. Person #1 was able to reach Kj’s hand, but the current was pulling both of them down and towards the waterfall. Kj was pulled forcefully by the water, breaking the handgrip. Kj disappeared below the whitewater for too long (somewhere between 2-5 minutes). When he finally appeared, he was face down in the whitewater. While standing on the bank, Person #2 was able to see the back of Kj’s head and his shoulder blades. He dove in and grabbed him. Person #2 felt he was being sucked in, but once he grabbed Kj, he felt pushed out of the falls. Person #2 pulled Kj to shore and immediately began resuscitation. In the meantime, Person #1 and Person #3 were stuck behind the falls and couldn’t escape. A human chain had to be formed to get them out.

Several people continued CPR on Kj. It was clear he was not breathing and he did not have a heartbeat. There was no cell-phone service in that area, so it was hard to call for help. Someone ran to get another leader, who was a MD.

Multiple attempts to bring Kj back were made and many priesthood blessings were offered. But after almost two hours of trying, they regretfully announced Kj as dead.

The reason our family did not know many details during this time was because of the cell-phone service. For anyone to call us, they would have to travel a couple miles to reach service. We first were informed Kj was hurt in a waterfall, and later we were told he died.

A helicopter was supposed to come quickly, but never did. The evening of his death, a group of courageous men chose to hike Kj’s body out to the village. This was a very dangerous task and incredibly difficult, but miraculously they completed the task. To them our family will be forever grateful.

My family and I do NOT hold anyone responsible, and we trust that it was Kj’s time to continue his work on the other side. We express deep gratitude for all who were involved in any way.

My daughter, Karoline, will turn 5 on June 25th, 2017. She continues to be a great blessing in my life.