Motherhood was NOT the fairytale I expected

For as long as I can remember, I dreamed of being a mother. As a child I always wanted to play “mom”, and as a teenager my friends teased me for being the “mom” of the group. I jumped at any chance to hold a baby. I remember holding a newborn at church and feeling so much awe, reverence, and love for this little human-being that wasn’t even mine. I could not wait for the day to hold my own, precious bundle.

Fast forward to my dreams being fulfilled! There I was at 20 years old—married, pregnant, and ecstatic. I visited a friend who had just had a baby, and I was excited to hear all the details of her wonderful new life as a mom. I was shocked to see someone who looked and talked everything opposite of what I expected. I could tell she was struggling. She shared with me how hard it was getting up all night long with the baby. She was tired and exhausted. Her face looked sad and down. I *hate* to admit this, but at the time I had the audacity to think, “How can it be that hard? I know it won’t be hard for me to wake up in the night with my baby. I am surprised at how hard she is making it.” It’s amazing how quick we are to judge something we have NO experience in. I am ashamed I had such thoughts.

The day finally came! My water broke and my baby boy was ready to make his debut. I felt an immediate love for him the moment I looked into his perfect face. And then it happened…it was time to begin a journey that would try, test, and challenge me to my very core.  

The “high” of just giving birth was gone and I was tired, oh so tired. I couldn’t wait to sleep as the nurse wheeled me into the next room. Then Karter started crying. Okay, okay. I can do this. He is probably hungry. I will nurse him. Why can’t he latch on? What am I doing wrong? Two hours later..Is it normal for him to want to nurse this long? Oh no! I need to change his diaper again..but I just changed it. Do babies really need a diaper change this often? Another two hours later…Oh I am SO tired and I wish I could sleep! I’ll try laying the baby down swaddled. Why won’t he sleep? I will try holding him. Why is he still crying? Does he need to burp? Two hours after that…Should I try laying him down again? Is it normal he hasn’t nursed for four hours now? I’ll lay him down. Shoot—he is crying again. But I am so tired. And so it went. My thoughts raced and I worried about everything. I didn’t sleep for 72 hrs. I cried, prayed, took a sleeping pill, received a blessing, etc. but nothing seemed to assuage my worry.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Man oh man was being a mom hard! I loved my baby, there wasn’t a doubt about that, but my new way of life threw me for a whirlwind. Sleepless nights, changing diapers, figuring out breastfeeding, a healing post-partum body, going places with a baby—all of it felt hard. I questioned my ability to mother and if I was really fit to do this. I know every mother’s experience is different, but for me the struggle was in full force with my firstborn. Motherhood was NOT the fairy tale I had imagined, and I felt disappointed in myself for thinking so.

Over the years, I have discovered that motherhood is actually BETTER than a fairytale. It is BETTER than I ever imagined; BUT, It is also far HARDER than I ever imagined. Isn’t interesting how “harder but better” go hand in hand? So often we think that if something is hard it means it is deplete of anything good. But the exact opposite is actually the case. How is that possible? With all the sacrifice, pain, heartache, frustration, fatigue, impatience, worry, and anxiety—where is the good in all of that? How does that make motherhood better than a fairytale? Because motherhood is REAL.It brings us to our knees and opens our hearts. It helps us SEE and FEEL in new ways. It puts life into perspective. It turns us to the Savior. It requires much sacrifice, that in return leads to many, many blessings. I am slowly being stretched and molded into something far better than what I was before. I am learning selflessness and sacrifice on a whole new level. I have more gratitude in my heart for the small and simple things of life—a handmade note with misspelled words, giggles from made-up jokes, an uninterrupted shower, a night out with my husband, first steps and first words, kids voluntarily sharing their graham crackers—the list could go on forever. My patience is increasing. My love is increasing. There are things that used to seem so hard that are now feeling easier. I am less judgmental of other moms. I am closer to God and my Savior. I am becoming more like Christ. I am doing His work and experiencing life through His eyes and heart.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” –Orson F. Whitney

I remember a time when Karter was 18 months-old and I was pregnant with my second child. We were in the airport late at night and it had been a LONG day. Karter hadn’t napped in 14 hours and his behavior reflected that. I was exhausted. I saw how much Karter was struggling and I felt the need to help him, even though I was struggling myself. I picked him up and held him over my large belly. I walked to a corner where there weren’t as many people and gently rocked him in my arms. I sang primary songs in his ear and tried my best to comfort him. Suddenly, the commotion around me disappeared and it was as if we were the only two people in the airport. I was overcome with so much love, peace, and strength. I felt my Heavenly Father’s gratitude for me and for what I was doing. I also felt His matchless love for me and for Karter. We were in a holy place and I knew I would never forget that moment. My burden was lightened and my joy was overflowing. My heart was bursting with love for the precious children God had blessed me with. I felt one with Christ.

“9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.

“ 10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.

 “11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.”  – John 15:9-11

Turning to Christ with every sacrifice and pain leads to an increased ability to feel love and joy. The more I strive to be the mother God needs me to be, the more joy I find in each day. Do I still have difficult moments? You bet. Are there still times I feel stretched to my very limit? Absolutely. Do I ever cry at night because it can be overwhelming? Yes! Do I know many trials lie ahead? Of course. Do I know I am young and I have a whole lot more to learn and experience? Without a doubt. But when I see where I am now compared to who I was before, I am humbled and grateful for every difficulty that has led to the greatest of blessings. It is all worth it.

“…we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we can ever imagine. With each step of faith on the path of discipleship, we grow into the beings of eternal glory and infinite joy we were designed to become.” –Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Eight years later and now with 4 kids, my circumstances haven’t changed much…I still wake up in the night with a baby, change diapers all day, clean messes, do endless loads of laundry, worry about what is best for my children, etc…but I have changed as a person. Motherhood is shaping me into something far better than the previous me. I look forward to the continual shaping and blessings that are in store.

“Pressing on in noble endeavors, even while surrounded by a cloud of depression, will eventually bring you out on top into the sunshine. Even our master Jesus the Christ, while facing that supreme test of being temporarily left alone by our Father during the crucifixion, continued performing his labors for the children of men, and then shortly thereafter he was glorified and received a fullness of joy. While you are going through your trial, you can recall your past victories and count the blessings that you do have with a sure hope of greater ones to follow if you are faithful. And you can have that certain knowledge that in due time God will wipe away all tears and that “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” (1 Cor. 2:9.)” –Ezra Taft Benson

If I could go back in time, I would wrap my arms around my friend who had just had her baby and was struggling. I would cry with her and tell her I understood how hard it was. I would tell her to hold on and hang in there, because blessings and joy were around the corner. My desire is that this blog can metaphorically do that for any mom who could use a hug. I hope to share insights and experiences that will bless and uplift us as we journey through this hard yet beautiful life of motherhood.